A whole lot of growing up going on...

A little piece of my heart broke off today, but it also burst into about a thousand pieces of pride...

 

 

Since before Jack was born, the one thing I have been SO excited about was him going to school. Not to get him out of the house (although let's face it...), but because the start of school just meant the opening of a world of opportunity for him. I completely get Meg Ryan's giddiness at the line "a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils"... I literally cannot wait for him to bring home lists of schools supplies in the coming years, permission forms to sign, books to cover (okay, I get that it may be an Ipad to cover), new friends to talk about, crunchy leaf days to be tattooed in his memory. Yes, yes, I understand there will be nights when I am gluing some stupid diorama together (am I completely anachronistic? do kids even do these things anymore??) and I will be of no help to him past third grade times tables, but still. The possibilities, the reading under the covers late at night, the love of just plain learning something new - it all lies ahead for him and I am going to suck in and be grateful for every single moment of it that I can.

 

Little big girl here - 11 months old.

 

Top two teeth finally appearing - resulting in not so great nights.

 

Eating everything in sight.

 

Standing up. Soooooo close to walking.

 

Growing blond hair.

 

Loves her brother madly.

 

Cannot believe she has been here almost a year, my little chemo-sabe.

Crunchy leaves.

I was a nerd. Not like a nerdy-nerd, but I loved school. I'm referring to elementary school mostly - high school and I weren't really friends. But I can still feel what it felt like to look forward to "new" every year, new backpack and lunchbox, new pencils, new things to learn, new pages to unfold. New came in September, not in January like it does for the adult world. And after the unbearably hot late summer that Southern California always suffers passed, the brisk, bright leaf-filled days of fall would come, Halloween songs would be sung, Thanksgiving hand-print turkeys made, and finally cotton-ball Santas would be produced. I still remember the feeling of leaves crunching under my feet, fall art projects in my backpack, school bake sales taking place. I feel bright and happy, full of life....and safe.

I don't know what to do with what happened yesterday. Honestly, tragic news happenings happen everyday and they don't usually affect me. I'm honestly not the most sympathetic person in the world, it's just how I am. It's not desensitization, it's just that I know shitty things happen to people all the time. But this, this hit me. Ever since I got pregnant with Jack, the one thing I have most looked forward to is him starting school. It keeps me going these days, knowing how badly I want to see him on his first day, experience the things that he will learn, new discoveries. I want him to have bake sales, friends, songs, phonics, spelling, new backpacks and lunchboxes, proliferating art projects. I want him to be safe.

I can't say where I stand. I grew up in a family of hunters, I'm two generations removed from a farming family. I grew up with guns in the house, and God-forbid, they were kept in unlocked closets and dresser drawers that I can't remember ever not knowing about. I just always knew never to touch them. My husband and I were both in the military, schooled in weaponry, we do keep guns in the house, however they are in a locked safe. We both enjoy shooting as a hobby and as a means of protection. We are both safe, legal weapon owners. Would I give up my guns to bring back those kids or to keep Jack and Amelia safe forever? Dear God, in a heartbeat. I am so very sad. I'm trying so hard to keep myself alive, it never dawned on me I would have to think about keeping my babies alive doing something so ordinary. They deserve to have crunchy leaf memories.