Day 3 - A person who lifts you up...

I am going to take slight liberty with this and talk about people who did something to lift me up when I really needed it and did not know it...

 

 

Last year before baby girl was born some friends offered to throw me a baby shower which I absolutely did not want...it's hard to explain but I'm not one for parties anyway where I am the center of attention. Couple that with the fact that I had been receiving help from people for a few months - something with was a struggle enough to do - and I was 9 months pregnant and bald and still angry. But I finally relented, because I knew even if I didn't want this, the baby deserved it. So my wonderful friends Laurie and Wendy threw together an awesome fall shower (I left them with not much notice, poor things) and my cousin Nicole picked for me the most awesome shower cake ever made. For all of that, for knowing what I needed when I absolutely did not want it, I was truly thankful. 

Day 2 - A time when you were strong

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going for the not blatantly obvious here and looking back at some of my past experiences to appreciate where I have been also...

 

One of the things that I have done, that I needed to be physically and mentally strong for, was Marine Corp boot camp... it was a lifetime (or almost 15 years) ago but I would not trade that experience for anything and some things will stay strongly seared in my chemo-battered memory...

 

Boot camp itself was probably the longest 13 weeks of my life and cost me one good knee and a severely rolled ankle but after you get through the initial weeks of screaming in your face, you find a rhythm and figure out they really do want to see you succeed. After boot camp comes a three week course called MCT - Marine Combat Training - for those who are not going into an infantry unit. This was at Camp Lejeune - which has many swamps. One side note - I am TERRIFIED of water where I can't see the bottom. One night was a night hump...through parts of the swamp...this was probably the closest I have come to a full-blown panic attack in my life (I vividly remember what an alligator sounds like - TV static) but with the help of others I pulled some semblance of mental strength out and made it through. Never ever ever again, but I'm thankful I have that memory in my bank.

 

 



A month of thankfulness...

I don't usually participate in this sort of thing, but I saw this on a blogging site yesterday and it caught my eye because it's not your typical "What am I thankful for today" for however many days there are until Thanksgiving - by giving a different prompt every day it challenged me to really start thinking. So I will take this as my challenge (much in the blogshpere right now about different writing challenges so this is my way of participating) and post my answer everyday.

A Blessing

I have been blessed with many many things...some obvious, some not so obvious. An interesting thing that I have been blessed with over the past year - I have been allowed to see the true character of many people in my life. I was honestly shown who my true friends and family were, in great, wonderful, unexpected ways, and also in hurtful unkind ways. That is not something that everyone gets to experience and I believe I am richer for it.

 

Now here are some fun photos from the rest of October (and from last night!) that I just can't help but

share...

Very serious for a little girl in a pumpkin patch...

 

My little ham...

 

 

A sea of orange beauties...

 

Daddy and a not so happy at the moment pumpkin...

 

 

I love this picture (which is not easy to say for me!)

 

A fall birthday...

This is a long time coming due to a missing, then non-working camera cable...but here we go finally!

 

Baby girl's first birthday party - obviously having a baby to celebrate in the month of October is going to be wonderful...for me at least, maybe not for her eventually. So I had to have a fall themed party - what else? And it was actually pretty stress free - I mean, the house is already decorated for fall/halloween, so I just had to add some things here and there...

 

Easy decoration - tissue paper pom poms

A book for guests to sign

The welcome wagon...

 

Caramel apple party favors - easy and delicious

More easy tissue paper pom poms...I think they are a little classier than balloons right?

 

Crafts to keep Jack and his friends occupied for a bit

The birthday girl...still deciding that she could crawl faster than walk at that point...although that has started to change this past week.

 

 

Marshmellow fondant leaves - this recipe is soooo easy and doesn't taste that bad!

 

Birthday girl could not understand why everyone was singing to and staring at her at that point

Hmmm, this feels interesting...

But I don't think I will actually taste it for a while...

  

The boys are over celebrating a one year old girl....

Family shot...Happy first birthday to my baby girl - I eagerly look forward to many more with you.

 

One year ago...

 

A year ago, a large team of NICU doctors stood in a delivery room with nothing to do, amazed that this month-early girl needed not one iota of help and was in fact healthier and bigger then many term babies. To my little chemo-sabe, my little buggy boodles, you gave me more strength than you will ever ever know and I look forward to many many more birthdays with you. Happy happy first birthday my girl.

 

 

 

 

I wish for you so many things I cannot even articulate them. I wish for you the world. I wish for you joy and pain and laughter and tears. I want to see you dance and sing and grow and learn. I want to hug you and kiss you a billion more times. I wish to see you follow your big brother to school. I wish to see you do wonderful things and get into trouble. I long to see those amazing blue eyes ingest everything they can. My big girl, I wish to see you grow up.

Thank you for this year.

What I think about the Pink...

Since I am "lucky" enough to have to share my most favorite month with breast cancer awareness month, well, here are my thoughts. As most of you are aware the world has been splashed with a heaping tablespoon of pepto bismol pink - which makes some of us feel about the same as the people in the pepto commercial. Not everyone...much of our cancer tribe has differing views on the subject...some loathe it, some embrace it, and some like me are conflicted about it.

I can honestly say pre-bc I didn't give pink-tober a whole lot of thought. Even though my mom and my grandmother have both had breast cancer, it still didn't really impact me...my mom had what I term (and please save your speeches, I know people who would stab me for saying this) "cancer-lite", she had stage 0, which just resulted in lumpectomy, no chemo, no rads, nothing else. My grandmother had a mastectomy - no chemo, no rads-  but that was over 30 years ago. We still have no idea what stage, what kind, nothing other then it never returned...people just didn't really talk about things like that back then. So honestly, other than seeing my football teams with their pink accoutrement's and seeing pink ribbons everywhere, the whole pink-washing didn't really effect my awareness all that much - likely my undoing. Because I always expected that I would get cancer, I was prepared to be vigilant...in my 40s. I expected it when my grandmother and mom got it, in my late '50s. Certainly not at 37 and most definitely not while pregnant. Surprise - joke was on me!

So here I am (I don't count last year because during pink-tober I was hip deep in trying to make sure this baby came out ok, prepare for upcoming mastectomy, continued chemo, and not quite concerned about much else) looking at the pink-washing as...an observer? a participant? an unwilling consort? I don't know. What I do know is that most of the products that slap a pink ribbon on their label are things I wouldn't eat/drink/ingest in any way, shape or form. You think I'm eating/drinking any of that processed crap after I've had CANCER?? No.

Do I appreciate that people walk for and with me at the Komen walk? Of course I do. Would I mind if people thought of me when seeing a ribbon or wore pink in honor of me or showed support that way? of course not!

What I do know is that not wearing a bra on Oct. 13th is in no way showing any sort of awareness, support or camaraderie with those who have breast cancer - it's just making you look, ummm, well, not good likely. (Should we all be going commando in support of prostate cancer awareness? Have all the young starlets flashing their hoohas at the cameras really been supporting cervical cancer awareness all along?) What I do know is playing some dumb game about the color of your bra on facebook is not doing anything other than...playing some stupid game on facebook. If you want to sport a pink ribbon, especially in honor or memory of someone, be my guest. If you want to donate money, please do your research and find the charities whose money does the most good. If you want to make me happy- learn about the signs, check yourself, learn about density and mammograms, advocate for yourself and please go to the doctor if anything is ever amiss - remember what I've been through this year. Know that behind the pretty pink ribbon, there are bald heads and scars and drains and IVs, there is pain and tears and not always happy endings. Cancer is not pretty, it's not pink, it's not sexy, it's awful. I will have my beautiful October tainted pink forever...you don't have to.

Decorations...

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." - George Eliot
 

I was getting out my Halloween decorations today and realized I hadn't seen my things in TWO years, not just one. That amazed me, and saddened me, and at the same time filled me with joy because I get to see them again and I was overjoyed - I'm not kidding, I adore my Halloween decorations. I love Halloween and fall - I LOVE them. I stopped and thought about where I was last year right now and also realized that last year, today, was my last A/C chemo. I was heavily pregnant and bald, too big and tired to even attempt decorating or celebrating my season, and waiting - worried - about what is now this teething, extremely loud, hilarious, beautiful and healthy little monster - the one who has smile at times that is simultaneously hysterical and the epitome of pure bliss.

 

 

So as I went through my multitude of Halloween boxes in the garage and found forgotten treasures, I was able to look back at the past year and remember where I was - which is a feat considering my short term memory is still shot - and see how far we have all come, and breathe it all in, and smile like my girl.

A whole lot of growing up going on...

A little piece of my heart broke off today, but it also burst into about a thousand pieces of pride...

 

 

Since before Jack was born, the one thing I have been SO excited about was him going to school. Not to get him out of the house (although let's face it...), but because the start of school just meant the opening of a world of opportunity for him. I completely get Meg Ryan's giddiness at the line "a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils"... I literally cannot wait for him to bring home lists of schools supplies in the coming years, permission forms to sign, books to cover (okay, I get that it may be an Ipad to cover), new friends to talk about, crunchy leaf days to be tattooed in his memory. Yes, yes, I understand there will be nights when I am gluing some stupid diorama together (am I completely anachronistic? do kids even do these things anymore??) and I will be of no help to him past third grade times tables, but still. The possibilities, the reading under the covers late at night, the love of just plain learning something new - it all lies ahead for him and I am going to suck in and be grateful for every single moment of it that I can.

 

Little big girl here - 11 months old.

 

Top two teeth finally appearing - resulting in not so great nights.

 

Eating everything in sight.

 

Standing up. Soooooo close to walking.

 

Growing blond hair.

 

Loves her brother madly.

 

Cannot believe she has been here almost a year, my little chemo-sabe.

20 years...

I'm not quite sure how it's possible that I have my 20 year high school reunion this weekend. Granted, I may not feel like high school was just yesterday...in fact, most of it I have blocked out I believe...but I do feel like I just went to college yesterday so for me to realize that was 20 years ago this month that I started college is MIND BOGGLING.

I am excited to see whomever shows up. I went to a pretty small Catholic girls high school, so our reunion will consist of a luncheon - that I didn't have to plan! Yay! Because funny enough, as much as I despised high school (and not for the fact that it was all girls or Catholic or anything like that, just for the plain old fact that I would have hated high school anywhere) I ended up planning our 10 year reunion. Still not sure how that happened. While I hated high school with a passion, I didn't hate the girls I went to school with. I can't say that I had many super close friends, but I was friends with a lot of the girls. I tended to float amongst the circles I think. Plus, there were quite a few of us who had been in school together since first grade so whether we hung out every day or not, we still knew quite a bit about each other. Anyway, out of a pretty small graduating class of I believe 105, give or take a few girls, we have had some bad luck bestowed upon us. I know I'm one of at least 5 girls who have had or are actively fighting cancer, and we have all had different types, not one the same as far as I know.

We lost our sophomore biology teacher, Susan Todd Hurst, to breast cancer right after our ten year reunion and I believe she was our age or a few years younger than us when she passed. We were her first class when she started teaching and I was happy she was able to come to our reunion, as sick as she was. She had two young boys when she passed, and I've thought of her quite often over the past few years.

We are also missing two girls from our class. One I had gone to school with since first grade. Monica Ruiz. She had the longest hair ever, and she lived down the street from the girl who I was best friends with for quite some time in grammar school, so while we weren't close friends, she would invite us over in the summer to use her pool and hang out. I have to say even though I went to school with Monica for 12 years I don't know very much about her. As I said, we weren't close friends but we certainly were not enemies - we just didn't hang anywhere near the same circles. A few years back, of few of the kids I went to school since first grade with found out that she had committed suicide - she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia shortly after high school graduation and just didn't see an end to the misery according to a website post her husband had written. Really quite a sad situation and I'm sorry she had to go through that.

Our other lost friend is Dr. Naomi Fukushima. Naomi was a kick, she was a tiny, petite little thing who was quiet until she let a zinger go and then it was on. She was spunky. And smart. We had quite a few classes together over the years and I would think considered each other friends, at least school friends. She was at our reunion, had been married very shortly before that I believe. Then about a year later was diagnosed with an extremely rare pulmonary sarcoma, which I believe was so rare there was something like less than 200 diagnosed cases of it. She fought and fought and fought, but from what other friends have said, she was a doctor, her dad was a doctor, and she knew. Our reunion was in fall of 2003, by May of 2005 she died. Again, cancer, you beyond suck.

So I want them to know that they are not forgotten, and will be remembered when we get together this weekend, and they will be toasted. And I hope to God they are looking down, intervening with someone, saying you have enough of us for a while, you don't need any more of the Class of '93 anytime soon.

An up week...

Except for the dreaded "it's about to turn into fall everywhere else except for Southern CA, let's have our 90 degree weather now" time, along with the realization that I dislike August but holy-crap-August-is-already-over-and-I-have-a-month-and-a-half-to-plan-a-first-birthday-party-holy-shiz, this is an up week on the roller coaster of my life.

Let's play catch-up. The retreat - the retreat was great. I probably would have appreciated it more had I been a little further out from the whole deal...I'm still dealing with and processing way too many emotions, thoughts, fears, etc. to appreciate a woman who is supposed to be talking about body image telling me what to do about sex after cancer having never had cancer herself. Other than that, the nutrition lady (carrot juice, in a word-  yuck - but a 10 year study behind it regarding 50% reduced recurrence and the carotene levels in the blood, so yeah, me and carrot juice are new pals :P) was great, the facial and massage - awesome (mindtrip overcome), the yoga lady - fabulous, and the place was great, the weather was great (for me),  and the girls were great too. So thank you Image Reborn for providing a great weekend!

Here are some pictures of the place - this is at The Canyons, who I believe donated the penthouses for the weekend...

Apparently Will Smith used to stay in this penthouse when he stayed in Park City, before buying is own house...this is NOT my room :(

Bathroom bigger then two of my kitchens, honest to goodness...again, not my bathroom

This was the fireplace on my side...perfectly nice penthouse...not quite as big as the other one..oh well :)

In other more mundane yet terribly exciting news for me...we have a fully potty trained boy in the house which if you have kids, you know how exciting that is. Jack has been teetering on fully training for months now but resisted, well, let's just say he's been peeing for months in the potty. Nothing else though and only at home, no matter how much I begged, cajoled, bribed. (Jack does things at his own pace, decided when he wants to do them, and when he decides then that's it, he does it. He is here to teach me patience and how to let go.) Now, he goes like a pro, AND finally went in a public place this weekend (in the bathroom in a public place, let me clarify) - whoooohooooo!!! 

Sister girl did NOT have good nights while on vacation. I got two full wonderful nights of sleep at the retreat and came back to two barely-got-maybe-three-hours-nights before we came home. Well, actually I'm not going to say anything because I am highly superstitious about the sleep thing and wish not to jinx myself so check back in a month for an update.

Shoulder X-ray from last week was clear so it appears that, thank goodness, my shoulder is just retaliating against me constantly lifting a 17 pound baby up to smell her butt to see if she pooped or not. Sorry, just a fact.

Football has almost started (believe me, I am well aware of the reality of my team this year but I will still keep the faith), Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back (soon I will live in a place where the return of PSL's coincides with the return of fall, not hell), and there are parties to plan, costumes to make, candles to smell, and pumpkins to dream of. Let's get busy livin'.