Day 16 - A shining moment and Day 17 - Health

A shining moment - jeez, they pick hard topics don't they? These ones that make us think back on our own good moments, those are truly difficult for me.

 

I don't know about a shining moment, but I look back at going to grad school at night when I was working full time and wonder how I ever had the energy to do that...I'm proud of myself for keeping with it and completing it, it was a great feeling when it was done, that's for sure.

Health - well, this one is interesting isn't it? My health...Aside from everything this year and last, aside from the fact that I really truly don't know my exact health status day to day and never really will again...I am pretty healthy. My doctors have all said I'm a really healthy patient who had some pretty frickin serious cancer. I am thankful that I came through it, well, cut up into pieces but relatively unscathed and without many problems at all. I am and will be drop-down-on-your-knees thankful for every clean scan I ever have and I will pray everyday to remain so. You can't ever appreciate being healthy until you aren't, it's just something that the human mind is unable to fully process until it experiences different. I am truly gratful for every day that I open my eyes.

To those who comment on my Christmas posts...

Christmas 2012

To those who have commented on my admittedly prolific liking of Christmas pages and talking about Christmas songs and basically my overall overexcitability about Christmas this year...with no malice in my heart and the best of meanings...stuff it.

I don't comment when people post 45 political posts in a day, or share 18 ramblings about how they hate Christmas. I don't comment about people and their 52 pinterest ecard posts about wine. Yet for some reason people feel compelled to comment on my sharing of what I feel is joyful...yes, it may be early - yes, I truly realize it is not Thanksgiving yet, but you know what? I effectively missed the holidays last year. I was there, but I wasn't there...I wasn't able to fully participate. I saw my kids, but didn't get to fully experience Jack's 2 year old wonder at the lights and Santa and stocking and elves. I had my two month old, but I was so busy taking care of her, and recovering from two surgeries, and going through chemo that I didn't get to soak in my baby girl's first Christmas. I didn't get to decorate, I didn't get to sing carols at church, I didn't get to feel Christmas. I didn't get the luxury of Bah Humbugging it because I was praying too hard to make it to this Christmas.

So forgive me for my giddiness, for my wanting to share the fact that I am happily and unabashedly overcelebrating the holidays this year. Forgive me my liking of many many Christmas posts, of snow and trees and wreaths and candles. Forgive me my inability to throw away any precious holiday that I am given with my children. I don't begrudge you your existence in the benign and blissful obliviousness that total health brings. I used to live there myself, but I have moved...and at my new address, you will find me overcelebrating most anything I can.

Day 14 - A life lesson and Day 15 - Charity

These are getting a bit more difficult. A life lesson. Well, I think I will go with the obvious here and talk about how this dumb, stupid cancer, which I STILL WILL NEVER EVER SAY I WAS HAPPY TO GET, has made me slow down and relax a bit, and for those that know me, that's saying a lot. I do let many many things go that I wouldn't have before, and I try very hard to remain present in each day although I'm only human. It's a work in progress.

 

I'm not quite sure what they mean by charity, if they mean were you thankful to receive charity, are you thankful for a specific charity. Unclear. But the Christmas season is upon us, and that means Angel Trees, which I do every year. I grew up relatively poor.  I was from a single parent household, did not grow up in a nice place...but one thing my mom always did, for as long as I can remember, was take an angel or two at Christmas and we would get gifts for them. I would look forward to picking an angel every year at the Fox Hills Mall...the program stopped there as I recall in the early 90s, and by then you pretty much stayed away from that mall if you didn't want to get shot while picking your jeans out at Express. I would find various programs over the years, and was involved in Toys for Tots, but then when I moved to Huntington Beach when I met my husband, my first Christmas there I discovered my church had an angel tree program and I was so excited! I still do it every year (my church gives you an angel ornament when you drop off the gifts - I have not missed one for the past 12 or 13 years and last year when I couldn't make it, I begged my friend to take my gifts for me because I needed my ornament!) and I love that they include seniors also. People forget how lonely some seniors can be, and that maybe a package of socks and a sweatshirt is so appreciated. I can't wait until the kids begin to understand what we are doing when we do this, it truly excited me to pass this tradition on to them. 

Day 12 - A job and Day 13 - A book

 

 

A job...well, I can say that the job I currently hold, stay at home mom, is by far the hardest, most difficult, demanding, stressful and chaotic job that I have ever had. I have to say I did not intentionally choose to be a stay at home mom, I was circumstantially thrown into it. I still do not believe I am very good at it. I love love love these kids to death, as you can probably tell so far, but if someone called to hire me tomorrow, I would take it in a heartbeat. But I am enjoying them and hoping that they forgive me my faults and foibles, and I am using this time to try to learn the lessons that I need to learn as well - patience, understanding, all of that zen stuff. :)

 

A book - I do not know how anyone could ever just pick one favorite book. To me that is like trying to pick a favorite photo - impossible. I can't even hazard a guess as to how many books I have read so far in my life but I have many many more to go and many to visit again. It does give me a thrill that I am now reading to Jack some of my favorite childhood books that I saved just for my future children.

 

And just FYI - I love paper books - I'm not such an ebook fan. I get the allure of toting just a single device around instead of a heavy book, especially while traveling, but there is really nothing else like holding a book in your lap under a blanket on a beautiful grey day, or the smell of a library book, or the familiar texture of pages that your own fingers have turned a dozen times before. In addition to that, I am a huge proponent of local libraries. I realize this is viewed by some as anachronistic in present day society, but libraries offer a world to so many people, kids whose parents can't afford to supply them with new books, people who don't have computer access at home, even people who just need to feel a little bit of community. Love my books and my library!

Day 10 - Words of Wisdom and Day 11 - A Photo

 

 

 

I don't know that I have any words of wisdom that have stood out to me over the years, however, lately, when walking the baby while Jack rides his bike, I find myself saying something to him over and over that I really need to heed myself. Lately Jack has a tendency to look behind him to watch me while he's riding in front of me and over and over I'm repeating to him "Baby, you have to stop looking behind you and pay attention to what's in front of you." If I need to listen to anything, especially after this year, this is it. Easier said than done, as with most things.

 

 

As for photos, I could never ever pick a single photo to love. I am so lucky to have photos of my family that go back probably a little over 100 years. I know not many people are so lucky. If I had a scanner I would be showing you many of these photos right now, but you'll have to use your imagination. :) I cherish the photos of my present family, as is obvious with all of the pictures I do share on here, but the old pictures, they hold a special place in my heart, and I can't wait to share with the kids pictures of people like their great-great grandparents. I don't just get to tell stories, they get to see what these people looked like. I am so thankful for all of these photos that I have been entrusted with. 

Day 9 - Food

Funny enough, this is a more apropos topic than seems on the surface. To start, I am so so so incredibly thankful that I in a position to be lucky enough to grow food at home, not because I need to, but because I like to and because it gives me a semblance of pleasure and surprise to see what actually comes up.

 

When you have great sources of fresh fruits and vegetables nearby, you take it for granted. You don't realize how very many people either can't afford fresh fruits and vegetables, or do not have them within an attainable distance. Back when I was working, one of my passions was learning about and speaking about food insecurity, food deserts, edible landscaping and suburban farming.

 

Why this post is so appropriate today is that for the past two weekends, I have spent hours cleaning out my grandparents house, which involved filling a large part of three dumpsters with cans, boxes, and packages of food spanning the past three or four decades or so. My grandmother, as so many from that era, had a Depression-era, WWII era mentality, and had uncountable amounts of foodstuffs packed into cupboards - not hoarding, but "preparing". Unfortunately, most of that food went uneaten and although the food was completely unsafe and inedible, it hurt my heart to throw that much food away, because at one time, it was good and could have fed so many people. It was a great reminder to me to be so thankful for what I have, and tomake sure my family is always taken care of, but after that, to work to make sure others are taken care of as well. 

Day 7 - A failure that you have had - And Day 8 - A Success

Well, obviously a failure I had was keeping up on this every day now wasn't it?

Oh goodness, who likes to talk about failures that they have had, even though they are usually where we learn our biggest lessons? I wish I would have had one of those grand failures that turn brilliant successes - like flubber or something. But alas, I have not - I think I am mostly composed of everyday failures that everyone beats themselves up about - the failures of a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter...a human. Actually, one failure that I have had - I wish I would have allowed myself to fail more. When I was little, on top of being an extremely shy introvert...I was also terribly afraid of failing. Some things came so easy to me, primarily school and grades, etc., that if I wasn't completely certain that I could win something, or knew the answer, or could master it, I wouldn't try it. I truly believe that I missed out on many opportunities, or at least growth, from that, and that in itself is the biggest failure. As I've gotten older, I have had to force myself to try things when I am unsure of the outcome, and I still struggle with it, but I'm thankful that I recognize it and am trying to change.


A success I have had - I think one of the big successes I had in the past year was moving past my own comfort zone to put my personal story out there. If I could get one woman to avoid going through what I did by knowing the different signs of what to look for, then that is a success. If I got one mom to donate her excess milk instead of throwing it away, that was a great success to me. If I helped one of the pregnant moms with cancer that I have come across in the past year to navigate this cesspool of crap, then that was a great success. 

Day 6 - My Children

Raising children is some serious shit. It's hard, difficult work that tests your patience in ways you never knew, like working muscles you never knew you had during that first Pilates class. I am still amazed that a tiny little person (in Jack's case, not so tiny, he's already more than half as tall as I am) can create ways to push your buttons in ways even your husband hasn't figured out yet...boggles my mind. Adding a serious, life-threatening illness to the pot is like adding some sriracha to a bowl of cayenne pepper soup - it just adds fuel to an already heated situation, and I am in no way proud to say that I have taken my emotions out on them at times over this past year - I've snapped and yelled at times much louder and more often than I should have. I pray and pray that some of those memories get lost in the ether.

 

 

But beyond the frustrations and madness of raising children is truly an awe-inspiring space, a place where time both stops and careens forward. I know other parents see their children growing up and want desperately to push the pause button...but I, warranted or not, feel like I'm sprinting, holding their hands and dragging them along, because I want to see everything that they do, I want to see all of the years and the events and growing and the stumbling and the successes and the failures. I want to see and touch and breath it all and I feel like I have to do IT RIGHT NOW. But I can't, so I take every day, and though I may lose it sometimes and I will most definitely never be the perfect mama, I dole out copious amounts of hugs and kisses, and breathe in these beings who for whatever reason were crazy enough to choose me to pass through.

 



Day 5 - Friends

I don't have many close friends - I never have. I think it's just part of my introverted personality - I never liked to go out and socialize in addition to various and sundry other reasons, so I never developed the mass amount of friends that some people have.

When this all came down, I was fully prepared to go through it like I have almost everything else in my life - primarily by myself. I don't expect much from most people because I find when I do I'm most often disappointed, so I certainly didn't expect anything just because I was sick. Some people certainly held up the "don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed when it happens" credo, but some people, who had absolutely no obligation at all to help me out, did more than most. My husband's co-workers (who were my co-workers too almost 13 years ago) went above and beyond - they provided us with meals, they sent cards and flowers, gifts - for me and for the baby. They dealt with my husband all day when I'm sure he wasn't exactly a peach dealing with all of this. They are the ones who put together the Komen walk for me. They truly did this out of the goodness of their hearts, and they will always embody the true meaning of friendship to me. 

Day 4 - Family

Family

 

This has me thinking of a post that I would like to ruminate on, so I will post something succint here. I have a pretty large family - a small immediate one but cousins, aunts, uncles, distant cousins galore. This, as I'm sure many of you have experienced, can cause both great joy and fun, as well as strong dislike, decades-long arguments and fisticuffs in the old days. I would not have chosen to grow up any other way.

Most of my family has been great over the past year, either helping out, making food, or just sending thoughts and cards. Some have not and that's okay too - I know now whom I can depend on. My in-laws have gone above and beyond - something I can never repay them for. Like I said on day 1 - I was truly given insight into people's true character, a gift by itself.