Day 6 - My Children

Raising children is some serious shit. It's hard, difficult work that tests your patience in ways you never knew, like working muscles you never knew you had during that first Pilates class. I am still amazed that a tiny little person (in Jack's case, not so tiny, he's already more than half as tall as I am) can create ways to push your buttons in ways even your husband hasn't figured out yet...boggles my mind. Adding a serious, life-threatening illness to the pot is like adding some sriracha to a bowl of cayenne pepper soup - it just adds fuel to an already heated situation, and I am in no way proud to say that I have taken my emotions out on them at times over this past year - I've snapped and yelled at times much louder and more often than I should have. I pray and pray that some of those memories get lost in the ether.

 

 

But beyond the frustrations and madness of raising children is truly an awe-inspiring space, a place where time both stops and careens forward. I know other parents see their children growing up and want desperately to push the pause button...but I, warranted or not, feel like I'm sprinting, holding their hands and dragging them along, because I want to see everything that they do, I want to see all of the years and the events and growing and the stumbling and the successes and the failures. I want to see and touch and breath it all and I feel like I have to do IT RIGHT NOW. But I can't, so I take every day, and though I may lose it sometimes and I will most definitely never be the perfect mama, I dole out copious amounts of hugs and kisses, and breathe in these beings who for whatever reason were crazy enough to choose me to pass through.

 



My kid is "that" kid....

Jack started soccer on Friday - just a half hour, once a week, 2 and 3 year old class - enough for him to learn to listen to a coach, take some direction, experience some semblance of a structured environment, learn to play with other kids and get some energy out before bed. As his little personality develops, I have been well aware that Jack is a friendly extrovert - he will say hi to anyone at anytime, roll down his window to say hi to the next car over, he will shake hands, he will high five, he knows not an iota of what "stranger danger" might imply. But this is the first time I have seen him in a "class-like" setting and oh my goodness - my kid is that kid - the kid who runs right up to the front of the room (in this case the soccer field), who raises his hand whether he knows the answer or not, who thinks the teacher/coach is speaking only to him, who may perhaps monopolize the conversation. Oh jeez. This is not a character assassination of my son, I realize he is going to be a very high energy, super smart, eager extrovert. My problem is - I have no idea how to relate to this or to parent this.

 

 

I am your classic INTJ...I have tested high on the introvert scale since forever. Every.single.one. of my elementary school report cards - actually some of my college evals also - say "Very intelligent but doesn't participate" or "Jamie knows all of the material but needs to speak up more often".  During a business school retreat, we took the Meyers-Briggs test again and then separated ourselves by how we landed on the scale... let's just say I was an island unto myself. Everyone stared at me like I was a bug - I don't know that my teacher had ever had anyone that high (or low I guess) on the "I" scale in business school. I've learned to deal with it, and I've learned to be "extroverted" in certain situations - I'm a great public speaker when I know my subject, I can man a booth at a conference and answer questions like nobody's business. I can run meetings, give speeches, presentations, etc. But put me at a party where I don't know anyone and I will quite contentedly sit in the corner observing everyone else for hours. I don't answer questions unless I know the answer. Being in a roomful of people physically drains me. I am more than happy to go anywhere by myself.

 

As prospective parents do, we wondered what Jack's personality and demeanor would be like before he was born. My husband often spoke about the sports he would play and the activities he would involve himself in...I would input "Maybe he will be happy to sit in his room and read a book, you never know." Well...the answer is glaringly obvious - my kid is that kid, the kid who intimidated me when I was young with their seemingly effortless bravado and swagger and confidence - and this introverted mama has to learn quickly how to parent a strong extrovert. They are sent here to teach us, aren't they?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes....

How do you measure a year in the life?

I measured it in ultrasounds and biopsies, black masses, and sinking feelings.

I measured in it terror-filled hyperventilating half-breaths,
sleepless nights,
early mornings, deep breathing and doctors visits.

I measured it in MRI's and EKG's, blood tests, urine tests, blood sugar tests, finger pricks, and baby kicks.

I measured it in 16 rounds of chemo, hair strands falling out, rainbows of bandanas, and pre-natal non-stress tests.

I measured it in confused stares, loud whispers, grasped hands and prayers.

I measured it in perfect baby girl first cries, in surgery, in CT scans, in pathology reports, in interminable medical bills.

I measured it in help from strangers, kind words, unknown prayers and donor milk.

I measured it in rainy days, grey clouds, heat waves, and electric purple sunsets.

I measured it in stifled shower sobs,
in laughs with chemo nurses,
in baby toes and late night feedings.

I measured it in 33 days of radiation, deep burns, painful cries and peeling skin.

I measured it in a 38th birthday, a 49th for my husband, and an awesome 3rd birthday for my boy.

I measured it in stupid cruel comments, in beautiful gestures, in buckets of tears, oceans of hugs, and yes, cups of coffee.

I measured it in long walks with baby, laughs with my boy, hugs with my husband, and love from family and friends.

I measured it in renewed dreams, hungry views of travel, terrified glances over my shoulder, tentative plans for the future.

That's how I measured a year.

A crafty post...

So we made it through Jack's birthday party relatively unscathed... only a few fights and tears...introverts should really not ever throw parties. But anyway... we had a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse birthday because little man loooooves mickey mouse clubhouse. First thing he asks for when he wakes up.

A big thank you to friends and family who helped out!

Here are the ears I made, very tediously with a crappy glue gun, but they came out half way decent I must say. Click here for the tutorial I used...

Update: Thought I should comment about the fondant. I made it the day before so did not refrigerate it. I did however refrigerate my cake since it had whipped cream filling in the center. The cold cake caused the fondant to sweat by the time cake was to be cut, as you can see in the last picture. I'm sure if the cake was room temp, it would have looked perfectly perfect.

Minnie's and Mickey's

A close up of the non-sleeping beauty wearing her ears

I always make his cake.. here is this years, a conglomeration of pinterest ideas...



Used this recipe for marshmallow fondant - pretty easy!

My cake, my ears and myself ....

Just some other party details...


I would normally never do this but being super-tired and burnt this year, I couldn't face the prospect of entertaining three year olds...enter Mr. Mouse.

Jack getting his face painted by Mr. Mouse (don't step on Disney's copywrite!)

Balloon making

I think he had a great birthday

Three years old.

Oh my baby boy, you are three today. You are 39 inches and 33 pounds, my tall string bean. I cannot believe what you have done in the past year. Last year you were only saying "that"...everything was that, that, that. Then, all of a sudden, about a month after your birthday, after we were set to enroll you in speech therapy but couldn't after mama got diagnosed, you started talking and didn't stop, speaking in sentences, using your pronouns correctly...amazing! It's like you knew I could use something off of my plate and you provided. You can do about any sport or athletic activity that you want to...you ride your scooter faster than the six year olds in the neighborhood. You are definitely mama's little daredevil. You love your books, you love Cars, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Toy Story. You master puzzles on the computer and you are on the verge of reading.

Oh my love, you will never be my cuddle bug, but you give hugs and kisses now, and when you say I love you too mama, my heart heals. You grab my hand and it's fits like Cinderella's slipper. You make sure to say "you are very welcome" when someone says thank you and people can't believe it. You love your little sister although you still can't quite figure out that she's not as strong as you. You are so handsome I sometimes wonder where you came from. You are most definitely your own person and I couldn't be more proud.

I know the year ahead will have challenges. You are most definitely entering your threes in a whirlwind of growing defiance, tantrums, testing of boundaries. We will face them as we have faced everything this year, with laughs, tears, probably some yelling and quizzical looks. But we will get through. I can't wait to see what this coming year brings with you holding my hand.