Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes....

How do you measure a year in the life?

I measured it in ultrasounds and biopsies, black masses, and sinking feelings.

I measured in it terror-filled hyperventilating half-breaths,
sleepless nights,
early mornings, deep breathing and doctors visits.

I measured it in MRI's and EKG's, blood tests, urine tests, blood sugar tests, finger pricks, and baby kicks.

I measured it in 16 rounds of chemo, hair strands falling out, rainbows of bandanas, and pre-natal non-stress tests.

I measured it in confused stares, loud whispers, grasped hands and prayers.

I measured it in perfect baby girl first cries, in surgery, in CT scans, in pathology reports, in interminable medical bills.

I measured it in help from strangers, kind words, unknown prayers and donor milk.

I measured it in rainy days, grey clouds, heat waves, and electric purple sunsets.

I measured it in stifled shower sobs,
in laughs with chemo nurses,
in baby toes and late night feedings.

I measured it in 33 days of radiation, deep burns, painful cries and peeling skin.

I measured it in a 38th birthday, a 49th for my husband, and an awesome 3rd birthday for my boy.

I measured it in stupid cruel comments, in beautiful gestures, in buckets of tears, oceans of hugs, and yes, cups of coffee.

I measured it in long walks with baby, laughs with my boy, hugs with my husband, and love from family and friends.

I measured it in renewed dreams, hungry views of travel, terrified glances over my shoulder, tentative plans for the future.

That's how I measured a year.

Words.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me....has to be the biggest load of bullshit ever foisted on someone. Some of you may have read this post roaming around the internet right now. I read this earlier this week and it was especially poignant because last week I got into an argument on facebook about the dumb "what color bra are you wearing" secret code game that's supposed to miraculously create awareness about breast cancer if you post - and "Don't tell anyone what it means girls!!" Actually, I didn't get into an argument, all I said was something to the effect of "I'm aware enough thanks", and then was challenged by a family member about posting for others who are not aware. I stated my opinion - how does this raise awareness, this is a game about a serious subject, this is my life right now, it's not a joke, if you want to raise awareness go do a walk, donate some money, post about self exams or mammograms or something. Anyway, the original family member signed off but another one came on telling me I was being condescending in telling people how to raise awareness, that people care and they should do what they want...and the topper - that I have my life, so basically I should shut up and not dare to contradict anyone. Yep, this is all from family members. People who, if I posted something that they had an issue with and a direct link to and they asked me to take it down or not participate, I would not even hesitate to do as asked. If I posted something about some pseudo-autism campaign and was asked to not participate for whatever reason - they didn't like the message, they don't like blue anymore, they don't like puzzle pieces -whatever! - I would say of course, I'm so sorry, I didn't think of that. If I posted something about stomach cancer, cervical cancer, prostate, pancreatic, colon, brain, whatever cancer and was asked to take it down I would do so right away, no questions asked, no challenges, nothing. But you know what - I OWN THE BREAST CANCER PART OF THIS SCENARIO. The fact that family members challenged me, questioned me, and attacked me hit me harder than I thought it would and the whole "you really find out who your true friends are" hit me smack in the face.