Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes....

How do you measure a year in the life?

I measured it in ultrasounds and biopsies, black masses, and sinking feelings.

I measured in it terror-filled hyperventilating half-breaths,
sleepless nights,
early mornings, deep breathing and doctors visits.

I measured it in MRI's and EKG's, blood tests, urine tests, blood sugar tests, finger pricks, and baby kicks.

I measured it in 16 rounds of chemo, hair strands falling out, rainbows of bandanas, and pre-natal non-stress tests.

I measured it in confused stares, loud whispers, grasped hands and prayers.

I measured it in perfect baby girl first cries, in surgery, in CT scans, in pathology reports, in interminable medical bills.

I measured it in help from strangers, kind words, unknown prayers and donor milk.

I measured it in rainy days, grey clouds, heat waves, and electric purple sunsets.

I measured it in stifled shower sobs,
in laughs with chemo nurses,
in baby toes and late night feedings.

I measured it in 33 days of radiation, deep burns, painful cries and peeling skin.

I measured it in a 38th birthday, a 49th for my husband, and an awesome 3rd birthday for my boy.

I measured it in stupid cruel comments, in beautiful gestures, in buckets of tears, oceans of hugs, and yes, cups of coffee.

I measured it in long walks with baby, laughs with my boy, hugs with my husband, and love from family and friends.

I measured it in renewed dreams, hungry views of travel, terrified glances over my shoulder, tentative plans for the future.

That's how I measured a year.

Words.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me....has to be the biggest load of bullshit ever foisted on someone. Some of you may have read this post roaming around the internet right now. I read this earlier this week and it was especially poignant because last week I got into an argument on facebook about the dumb "what color bra are you wearing" secret code game that's supposed to miraculously create awareness about breast cancer if you post - and "Don't tell anyone what it means girls!!" Actually, I didn't get into an argument, all I said was something to the effect of "I'm aware enough thanks", and then was challenged by a family member about posting for others who are not aware. I stated my opinion - how does this raise awareness, this is a game about a serious subject, this is my life right now, it's not a joke, if you want to raise awareness go do a walk, donate some money, post about self exams or mammograms or something. Anyway, the original family member signed off but another one came on telling me I was being condescending in telling people how to raise awareness, that people care and they should do what they want...and the topper - that I have my life, so basically I should shut up and not dare to contradict anyone. Yep, this is all from family members. People who, if I posted something that they had an issue with and a direct link to and they asked me to take it down or not participate, I would not even hesitate to do as asked. If I posted something about some pseudo-autism campaign and was asked to not participate for whatever reason - they didn't like the message, they don't like blue anymore, they don't like puzzle pieces -whatever! - I would say of course, I'm so sorry, I didn't think of that. If I posted something about stomach cancer, cervical cancer, prostate, pancreatic, colon, brain, whatever cancer and was asked to take it down I would do so right away, no questions asked, no challenges, nothing. But you know what - I OWN THE BREAST CANCER PART OF THIS SCENARIO. The fact that family members challenged me, questioned me, and attacked me hit me harder than I thought it would and the whole "you really find out who your true friends are" hit me smack in the face.

Happy 4th!

It's been awhile. We took a short trip up to the mountains last week and that was both great and not relaxing at all, as no vacation with an infant and a three year old will ever be.
It started out like this.....which was supposed to last two hours...it lasted 30 minutes. Oh well.


Got a cabin with some games and a foosball table in it thinking that would be great to entertain Jack. Well, it worked a little too well - he never wanted to go outside!

 Finally got him out and about although he wouldn't put his feet in the lake. I'll make an adventurer out of him yet! (although he did see his first deer while we were on an off-road trail going to find some godforsaken giant pine)

 Last time I saw a Dishmaster was about 30 years ago so I had to memorialize that. And the cute one in the sink.

 A happy 4th of July to you all from the little one, celebrating her first.

Now we are off to hunker down as people shoot of M-80s in our neighborhood allllllll night long. Happy 4th!

 

Summer...and a wreath.

Summer is here. For most people today brings visions of sunny days, cool drinks, pool splashes, and fun in the sun. For me it means that after today the days start getting blessedly shorter again, it means that I need to hide inside during the hottest parts of the day, it means that I must endure this torturous time in order to get to the most wonderful time of the year - FALL!! I try my hardest every year to ignore summer. Heat, sun and Jamie do not mix. There were days during last year's interminable heat wave that I was actually glad I didn't have hair because I was so frickin hot. However, I do have children so I do have to put up some semblance of enthusiasm about every season and holiday. And that starts with a wreath on the door - simple yet festive. I may be hiding inside but at least the outside of my house relays the message "We have some spirit!!"

I found this tutorial earlier this year and gave it a shot for Valentine's Day. I was still doing chemo so not up for anything super complicated and this fulfilled my craft fix for a bit. Also great - I love my wooden door decorations, but I do not love them when it's windy, and we get quite a bit of wind around here. I don't have to take these down or hear knocking on the door all day and night - win win!

 What I love is that after you get the idea, you can do pretty much whatever you want with it. Use whatever color yarn you want, whatever size wreath form, whatever cutouts - it's all good!  

 

 

Start with your foam wreath form (say that a few times fast). I try to remember to use my 40% Michaels, Joann's or Hobby Lobby coupons to get them, and that keeps the cost of these wreaths really reasonable. The skein of yarn was probably $3 and this is the second wreath I've used it on. A few sheets of felt and the form, and the whole thing is about six bucks! Works for me. Anyway, grab your form, whichever size you want, hot glue a piece of yarn down to start, and start wrapping that bad boy. I used red because I have a blue door...I'd probably do blue if I had any other color door, but do whatever floats your boat or shoots your firecracker in this case. I do mine pretty tight, I wind the yarn a few times, tighten and squish it back so there is no form showing through. Takes me about 1.5 to 2.5 hours to do the whole thing depending on who's screaming or how many times I need to play with Lightning McQueen.

 

I used a cookie cutter to trace some stars out of glitter felt, because I'm sassy like that, and because Fourth of July should be glittery.

 

Take your hot glue gun, which I sincerely hope works better than mine, and glue the stars wherever you would like them to be.

The tutorial uses criss crosses on most of their wreaths and you can see I did criss crosses on the Valentine's one above, but that wreath was bigger and I thought this one was too small and too busy to support full on criss crosses, so I just did one layer around. Glue a little yarn hanger around the top...and there you have it - voila! A simple easy cheap Fourth of July wreath.

 

 

Now please excuse me while I fool myself into ignoring the next three months and dream of the fall and winter ones that I can make.

8 months

Finally cutting first tooth....

Desperately trying to crawl and very frustrated not to get it quite yet....

Loves older brother so much, stares at him anytime he is near....

Loves to stand but not quite on her own...

Is the.loudest.baby.ever.....

Sleeping through the night? Hahahahahaha....

Continuing the Thomas tradition of super drooly babies...

Pooping like a boss...

Eating eating eating - pumpkin, yams, spinach, broccoli, carrots, apples, plums, peaches...

Talking and yelling from sun-up to sundown...

Being a cute 8 month old.

Okay, so now what?

The denouement of cancer treatment is decidedly anticlimactic. I mean, I guess that's a good thing for now, in fact, yes, I'll take this outcome right now. But, it's like running a marathon for the first time (not that I would EVER know that feeling) and the finish line is already packed up, the balloons are down, the crowd is gone, and the clock is flashing a blinking 0:00 because it doesn't really care anymore about your finish time. Last radiation treatment is tomorrow, and then..... exactly, and then what? I mean, I see my oncologist in three months, I see my surgeon every six, I'll start talking with a plastic surgeon in a few months, I'll have a scan once every three months or so for a while, but that's about it. TA-DA!!! Talking with some of the girls in my FB group, I said there really should be a cancer treatment debriefing, like when you return from a deployment. I'm not going to compare it to coming back from war, it's just you are in the midst of all of this chaos for months and months and all of a sudden, you're not, and it's disconcerting - this trying to get to your "new normal" (another term I loathe, I don't know why, it just rubs me the wrong way).

So we will plan some small trips in the next few months - I have not been on a plane in, my goodness, two years, and that is just bizarre to me - and I will try to find work again and feel like a contributing member of this family, I will start planning a first birthday party, I will try to bear the onslaught of summer (my least favorite season), and I will try without success to push this to the back of my mind and get on with the business of living.

A crafty post...

So we made it through Jack's birthday party relatively unscathed... only a few fights and tears...introverts should really not ever throw parties. But anyway... we had a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse birthday because little man loooooves mickey mouse clubhouse. First thing he asks for when he wakes up.

A big thank you to friends and family who helped out!

Here are the ears I made, very tediously with a crappy glue gun, but they came out half way decent I must say. Click here for the tutorial I used...

Update: Thought I should comment about the fondant. I made it the day before so did not refrigerate it. I did however refrigerate my cake since it had whipped cream filling in the center. The cold cake caused the fondant to sweat by the time cake was to be cut, as you can see in the last picture. I'm sure if the cake was room temp, it would have looked perfectly perfect.

Minnie's and Mickey's

A close up of the non-sleeping beauty wearing her ears

I always make his cake.. here is this years, a conglomeration of pinterest ideas...



Used this recipe for marshmallow fondant - pretty easy!

My cake, my ears and myself ....

Just some other party details...


I would normally never do this but being super-tired and burnt this year, I couldn't face the prospect of entertaining three year olds...enter Mr. Mouse.

Jack getting his face painted by Mr. Mouse (don't step on Disney's copywrite!)

Balloon making

I think he had a great birthday

Three years old.

Oh my baby boy, you are three today. You are 39 inches and 33 pounds, my tall string bean. I cannot believe what you have done in the past year. Last year you were only saying "that"...everything was that, that, that. Then, all of a sudden, about a month after your birthday, after we were set to enroll you in speech therapy but couldn't after mama got diagnosed, you started talking and didn't stop, speaking in sentences, using your pronouns correctly...amazing! It's like you knew I could use something off of my plate and you provided. You can do about any sport or athletic activity that you want to...you ride your scooter faster than the six year olds in the neighborhood. You are definitely mama's little daredevil. You love your books, you love Cars, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Toy Story. You master puzzles on the computer and you are on the verge of reading.

Oh my love, you will never be my cuddle bug, but you give hugs and kisses now, and when you say I love you too mama, my heart heals. You grab my hand and it's fits like Cinderella's slipper. You make sure to say "you are very welcome" when someone says thank you and people can't believe it. You love your little sister although you still can't quite figure out that she's not as strong as you. You are so handsome I sometimes wonder where you came from. You are most definitely your own person and I couldn't be more proud.

I know the year ahead will have challenges. You are most definitely entering your threes in a whirlwind of growing defiance, tantrums, testing of boundaries. We will face them as we have faced everything this year, with laughs, tears, probably some yelling and quizzical looks. But we will get through. I can't wait to see what this coming year brings with you holding my hand.

Radiation follow-up

Well, I was all set to write this post about the auspicious hat trick of dates when I ended my radiation treatments tomorrow on my son's birthday.. how my treatments had all started or ended right on or around important dates. But alas, I will not finish until likely next Wednesday - I am peeling too much and want some of this brand-new-as-a-baby's-butt skin to toughen up at least a little bit before the last three zap sessions so I told them I wasn't coming back until Monday. Still close to Jack's birthday, but still. Anyway, because I wanted to follow up and gross everyone out, here's a picture of what most of the peeling looks like - and this is actually good compared to what it was.

Still red on the chest and super super itchy.

 



Pretty gross...not the cool kind of peeling after a one day sunburn kind of peel, this is thick layers coming off...

 

The gross close up, so you can share my pain :)


Okay, I promise tomorrow will be a lovely post with pretty pictures and no more grossness..for now.

Updates.

My skin has degraded considerably since the last post so doing anything has been difficult and painful. It takes me enough energy throughout the day just to tolerate picking up the baby and then concentrating on not dropping her. Cannot wait for this part to be done, over with, and healed. Additionally, because I like to do many difficult things at once, like get pregnant and have cancer, baby and major surgery, etc. etc, I am also in the midst of getting ready for Jack's third birthday party this weekend. To be honest, I had no idea radiation would effect me like this and did not expect this at all, so this was just a bad coincidence.

In other news, had to mention this on the donor milk front. I have been ecstatic to keep Amelia in donor milk past six months, but have been hoping to make it to a year. I would hate for her to not have what Jack had, especially with what she contended with. But again, it's donor milk,  donated, not coming from me, so I am happy that we have made it as far as we have with her and forever grateful that Erin, my milk mama extraordinaire who coordinates this for me has done all of this work so far. That being said, we were lacking about two weeks ago, I mean down to the last two bags. All of a sudden, I don't know how Erin found her or vice versa, but this mama up in the LA area told her she had a one time donation - she had been pumping for her twins but they developed food allergies and couldn't use the milk. Erin happened to be going to a family member's graduation in the area and it was kismet. We were not, however, expecting this.

 

 

 

That freezer is filled to the absolute top with milk. There were even a few more bags that needed to go in our house freezer because the deep freeze was completely full. That should be good to keep baby going for about two months, which puts us that much closer to the year goal. Holy shamoley balls. Thank you mama, whomever you are.

 

Okay, I'm off to make more Mickey ears, which I will post pictures of along with the tutorial where I found the idea. Stay tuned.