Leave it to Angelina to stir up controversy. Apparently everyone is an expert about cancer now...especially people who have never had it. This post stemmed in part from yesterday's post, and my stupid stupid obsession with reading the comments section on articles, and comments some of my facebook cancer friends are receiving. I should NOT read the comments! EVER!! Anyway, it's been brewing for a while, and after chatting with some of my facebook cancer friends, it just needs to come out. If you are offended by language, change the channel.
1) If you feel the words, "Oh, lucky you, you'll get new boobs" coming out of your mouth...shut the fuck up, just seriously, bite your tongue off if you have to, drink some cholula, occupy yourself by going to get a tongue piercing, I don't care, just don't say it. If you want to type or text it, sit on your hands, learn sign language, break your thumbs, do something else with them right quick please.
Sure, most of us will go through some sort of reconstruction at some point. After we've been mutilated with a giant horizontal scar, after we have lost anything resembling a breast, after our underarms are misshapen if we have had lymph nodes removed, after we have lost feeling in multiple places. Then you get to choose from procedures involving the insertion of an expander behind your pectoral muscle that is slowly filled to stretch your already delicate skin, worse if you've been through radiation, or you get skin and tissue taken from your back to rebuild a breast, or from your abdomen. You can take visions of Pam Anderson right out of your head because what you are left with, if you are lucky, is serviceable, and if you are really lucky its close to symmetric. This is not a visit to Dr. 90210. Additionally, I'm sure 100% of us would gladly trade this opportunity for new boobs to, umm, maybe not have to have a life-threatening disease that could recur at any time...you think, maybe, hmmmmm??? "Thank God I got cancer, I can have that boob job I've always wanted" said NO ONE EVER.
2) Unless you have cancer, or maybe possibly your spouse or child has had cancer... please don't offer any "knowledge" that you have about how I got it, how I can cure it, what I should or should not be doing, what you heard from your friend's cousin's hairdresser, or how your high school teacher found the cure in the Amazon and is only sharing it with certain people. Please don't offer what you think are mortality rates ("oh, most people die from that right?"). Almost just as bad, please don't say, "Oh, everyone lives from that these days, no problem, no biggie!" Please don't tell me that not eating sugar will keep all the cancer away, that I should have been doing juice cleanses since I was 12, that hemp oil will cure me, that chemo kills people, the mammograms cause cancer, or that I could have prevented it by following these five simple steps. Shut the fuck up.
3) If you know someone going through cancer treatments, don't tell them that they put on weight/lost weight/look tired. Believe me, we very well know if we are gaining weight, usually from chemo and steroids and any number of medications we may be taking. We may not be able to keep up a robust exercise routine right at the moment. Also, believe me, people know if they are losing weight and that could be because they can't keep any food down, are stressed beyond belief and have no appetite, or they may not be doing very well. Either way, you don't need to point it out, that I can assure you. Don't you dare tell someone they look tired. If you haven't had chemo, surgery, radiation, and in my case, an infant at the same time, then don't even open your mouth. Cook them some food, clean their house, tell them they are beautiful, bring some flowers, but otherwise, shut the fuck up.
4) Please do not reprimand the person about keeping up a positive attitude, that a positive attitude will cure them. Believe me, I honestly have had a pretty damn good attitude during this entire mess, but some days are just sad, gloomy days. There aren't many, but when they hit, they hit hard, and you know what? I am perfectly entitled to have them! I bet you have bad days and you don't have cancer! I know sometimes it's just because you are scared for the person, and when they are sad, it scares you more, but this is their time, not yours. It's your time to be the strong one. If you can't, shut the fuck up.
5) Cancer has made me many things - blind and deaf are not some of them. Poor eyesight has made me almost blind, but you know what? Glasses have pretty much fixed that, and I can see you staring and I can hear you "whispering". If you see someone with a bandana on, don't stare. Go up and say Bless you, or I'm rooting for you, or I'm sorry you are going through this, please stay strong..say almost anything, but don't stare and don't whisper. I still and will always remember the man who came up to me and bought me lunch when I was so heavily pregnant and bald in my bandana - not because he bought me lunch but because he was the only one during my entire bald pregnancy that came up to me and said something. He said I don't know what you are going through but good luck to you, you will get through it. Not the most eloquent thing in the world, but something I will always always remember. So basically if you can't say something, don't whisper in front of my face - shut the fuck up.
This is not even half of it, but it's a good start for me...thank you to all of my friends and family who have not done these things...you don't know how much it is appreciated...
Showing posts with label mastectomy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mastectomy. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
My two cents...
Okay, if Ang can write an op-ed piece, then I can write about her op-ed piece, so here it is...
Angelina Jolie's revelation that she had a prophylactic double mastectomy has raised some issues, gotten people talking because of course, this is Angelina Jolie, and hey, these are Lara Croft's boobs we are talking about here. I applaud her decision, and frankly I'm jealous, jealous that she had the option to do something prophylactically, that she likely wasn't restricted by what her insurance allowed her have, i.e. tests, doctors, surgeons, etc., that she, as of yet, did not have to have chemo and radiation and the cancer cloud hanging over her head, and personally, I think it's no one's business but her own....but let's get one thing clear - she did not have cancer and cannot speak to what it is like to have cancer. I understand her mom died of cancer and she watched that, so she's knows better than some, but still, to compare her surgery to someone who has cancer and is having a double mastectomy is not in the same ballpark. I should have learned by now to never read the comment section of articles, and this one did not disappoint. The amount of misinformation, misunderstanding, and just plain wrong-ness out there is, quite frankly, astounding.
I don't believe she has "gone through hell" as I've seen some comments say, and I'd be willing to take a bet that she would say the same thing. Hell, I don't even think I have gone through hell knowing what some other people go through. I don't believe she is a hero for doing this, a champion, a badass, any of those things. I think she is an extremely lucky women to not have developed cancer so far, to have the resources to be able to make this decision in the first place, and to likely have the best medical resources at her fingertips to have an outcome she is happy with. Many many women do not get even one of those things. As I've discussed before, the BRCA test she had done costs between 3 and 4 thousand dollars, and many insurance plans won't cover it - likely not a concern for Ang but that is a huge chunk of money to most families. Secondly, she apparently had a nipple-saving and likely skin-sparing surgery, where they basically scoop out the breast tissue but your skin and nipple are saved. Please don't compare that to a mastectomy needed as a result of cancer, where an extremely minimal amount of women get to have the option of a skin- or nipple-saving operation. Thirdly, I know in her article she stated that "the results can be beautiful." Well, they can when you are keeping most of your skin and your nipple. Most of the women I've talked to who have had reconstruction or are going through it currently would not describe results as "beautiful". Functional, hopefully comfortable, not painful, and if you are really lucky, symmetrical, seem to be what we aspire too.
I know she didn't mean to, but I truly hope people do not confuse what she is describing, a prophylactic double-mastectomy - no cancer, no chemo, no radiation, no lymph node removal, arm stiffness, no worry about lymphedema, skin- and nipple-sparing - as anything close to breast reconstruction after cancer. As I said, I truly admire her decision, she has a greatly reduced risk of breast cancer now (mind you, the risk is not gone, it is greatly reduced, but not eliminated) but I'm just hoping people recognize there is a difference and don't look at their friends, relatives, etc who are going through cancer treatments and then having reconstruction and say to them "What are you complaining about? Angelina did it, she made it sound pretty easy!"
Angelina Jolie's revelation that she had a prophylactic double mastectomy has raised some issues, gotten people talking because of course, this is Angelina Jolie, and hey, these are Lara Croft's boobs we are talking about here. I applaud her decision, and frankly I'm jealous, jealous that she had the option to do something prophylactically, that she likely wasn't restricted by what her insurance allowed her have, i.e. tests, doctors, surgeons, etc., that she, as of yet, did not have to have chemo and radiation and the cancer cloud hanging over her head, and personally, I think it's no one's business but her own....but let's get one thing clear - she did not have cancer and cannot speak to what it is like to have cancer. I understand her mom died of cancer and she watched that, so she's knows better than some, but still, to compare her surgery to someone who has cancer and is having a double mastectomy is not in the same ballpark. I should have learned by now to never read the comment section of articles, and this one did not disappoint. The amount of misinformation, misunderstanding, and just plain wrong-ness out there is, quite frankly, astounding.
I don't believe she has "gone through hell" as I've seen some comments say, and I'd be willing to take a bet that she would say the same thing. Hell, I don't even think I have gone through hell knowing what some other people go through. I don't believe she is a hero for doing this, a champion, a badass, any of those things. I think she is an extremely lucky women to not have developed cancer so far, to have the resources to be able to make this decision in the first place, and to likely have the best medical resources at her fingertips to have an outcome she is happy with. Many many women do not get even one of those things. As I've discussed before, the BRCA test she had done costs between 3 and 4 thousand dollars, and many insurance plans won't cover it - likely not a concern for Ang but that is a huge chunk of money to most families. Secondly, she apparently had a nipple-saving and likely skin-sparing surgery, where they basically scoop out the breast tissue but your skin and nipple are saved. Please don't compare that to a mastectomy needed as a result of cancer, where an extremely minimal amount of women get to have the option of a skin- or nipple-saving operation. Thirdly, I know in her article she stated that "the results can be beautiful." Well, they can when you are keeping most of your skin and your nipple. Most of the women I've talked to who have had reconstruction or are going through it currently would not describe results as "beautiful". Functional, hopefully comfortable, not painful, and if you are really lucky, symmetrical, seem to be what we aspire too.
I know she didn't mean to, but I truly hope people do not confuse what she is describing, a prophylactic double-mastectomy - no cancer, no chemo, no radiation, no lymph node removal, arm stiffness, no worry about lymphedema, skin- and nipple-sparing - as anything close to breast reconstruction after cancer. As I said, I truly admire her decision, she has a greatly reduced risk of breast cancer now (mind you, the risk is not gone, it is greatly reduced, but not eliminated) but I'm just hoping people recognize there is a difference and don't look at their friends, relatives, etc who are going through cancer treatments and then having reconstruction and say to them "What are you complaining about? Angelina did it, she made it sound pretty easy!"
Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy New Year!
2012 - Words that worked their way into my personal lexicon this year -
biopsy
infiltrating ductal carcinoma
stage 3
triple negative
axillary lymph node dissection
chemotherapy - AC and taxol
radiation
mastectomy
BRCA
donor milk
my daughter
Words I knew before but had to relearn-
friends
family
neighbors
help
kindness
prayer
visualization
acceptance
accepting
support
relax
breathe
On this last day of the year I throw up a prayer and wish for all of us, that this coming year is full of possibilities, victories, adventures, joys, love, and health. Let's put a close to 2012.
biopsy
infiltrating ductal carcinoma
stage 3
triple negative
axillary lymph node dissection
chemotherapy - AC and taxol
radiation
mastectomy
BRCA
donor milk
my daughter
Words I knew before but had to relearn-
friends
family
neighbors
help
kindness
prayer
visualization
acceptance
accepting
support
relax
breathe
On this last day of the year I throw up a prayer and wish for all of us, that this coming year is full of possibilities, victories, adventures, joys, love, and health. Let's put a close to 2012.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Not so special.
My status as special cancer patient was officially terminated yesterday when, while waiting for my oncologist to come in the room, I heard her down the hall ask the aide "Is there a baby in there?" She then came in and said, "Where's the baby?? I know, I'm a bad doctor, yeah yeah how are you? cancer, blah blah, whatever, where's the baby??" I laughed and told her baby was waiting in the lobby. And then I said, "ahh, yes, I'm no longer the special cancer patient am I?" Oh well. My OB had already gone out to the lobby to see her that morning, and my oncologist followed me out that afternoon. She is as much a product of their hard work and concern as mine. Well, maybe not as much, but they certainly all felt a great stake in her good outcome and are so happy that she is absolutely perfect and has no ill effects.
Lots of follow up appointments yesterday. OB follow up went fine. First follow up to mastectomy surgery went fine, had the drains removed (thank goodness, but good lord those do not feel good coming out, in fact, it really hurts quite a bit), another follow up next week. Visit with my oncologist to go over pathology report from surgery and get chemo regimen started back up. Pathology report was good and okay. Everyone was totally happy that after the tissue was reviewed, it turned out the only tumor left was 0.4 cm. That was from two large tumors that totalled about 4 cm of tumor. That was it. When she said that, for a split second I said son of a bitch, I didn't really have to have a mastectomy and go through all of this? But then my rationale took over. I did need one. The way my cancer was so aggressive and grew so big so fast, it truly was the best option. Plus they did find a few pre-cancerous cells so I likely would have had to have to the surgery eventually anyway. So the chemo worked great on the two large primary tumors. The okay/not so great but it is what it is news was that of the 10 lymph nodes I had removed, 5 of them were positive for cancer. And that was after chemo. So chemo certainly shrunk them, but it's not the best of news that so many lymph nodes were effected, it's just what happened and what we are working with. So this chemo coming up next week now just needs to concentrate on the small lymph node in my neck that has already shrunk (send good vibes that it attacks it once and for all and just kills it) and any cells that had sloughed off of the lymph nodes and are possibly traveling around. Kill kill kill those few cells that are left. And then on to radiation that will zap those areas and hopefully terminate those cells.
This surgery was no joke. It has knocked me on my ass. It's the first time during this whole process that my sails have collapsed a little bit. Granted I did have two pretty big surgeries in less than a month. My arm is still pretty useless. The nerves are coming back so at times I have areas of skin that feel like sandpaper rubbing on a sunburn and there's a place deep in my armpit that hurts so bad if I move a certain way it takes my breath away. Mornings are absolutely not fun because what little range of motion I have stiffens up overnight. So I'm just praying for the ability to deal with it, and to slowly get better. Could use all of your prayers and good thoughts for that too.
Lots of follow up appointments yesterday. OB follow up went fine. First follow up to mastectomy surgery went fine, had the drains removed (thank goodness, but good lord those do not feel good coming out, in fact, it really hurts quite a bit), another follow up next week. Visit with my oncologist to go over pathology report from surgery and get chemo regimen started back up. Pathology report was good and okay. Everyone was totally happy that after the tissue was reviewed, it turned out the only tumor left was 0.4 cm. That was from two large tumors that totalled about 4 cm of tumor. That was it. When she said that, for a split second I said son of a bitch, I didn't really have to have a mastectomy and go through all of this? But then my rationale took over. I did need one. The way my cancer was so aggressive and grew so big so fast, it truly was the best option. Plus they did find a few pre-cancerous cells so I likely would have had to have to the surgery eventually anyway. So the chemo worked great on the two large primary tumors. The okay/not so great but it is what it is news was that of the 10 lymph nodes I had removed, 5 of them were positive for cancer. And that was after chemo. So chemo certainly shrunk them, but it's not the best of news that so many lymph nodes were effected, it's just what happened and what we are working with. So this chemo coming up next week now just needs to concentrate on the small lymph node in my neck that has already shrunk (send good vibes that it attacks it once and for all and just kills it) and any cells that had sloughed off of the lymph nodes and are possibly traveling around. Kill kill kill those few cells that are left. And then on to radiation that will zap those areas and hopefully terminate those cells.
This surgery was no joke. It has knocked me on my ass. It's the first time during this whole process that my sails have collapsed a little bit. Granted I did have two pretty big surgeries in less than a month. My arm is still pretty useless. The nerves are coming back so at times I have areas of skin that feel like sandpaper rubbing on a sunburn and there's a place deep in my armpit that hurts so bad if I move a certain way it takes my breath away. Mornings are absolutely not fun because what little range of motion I have stiffens up overnight. So I'm just praying for the ability to deal with it, and to slowly get better. Could use all of your prayers and good thoughts for that too.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Situation report...
you'll have to excuse all typos and grammer mistakes, I can only type with my right hand, and on top of that i am left handed....I'm back, i'm home, i'm alive. i don't recommend this surgery as a vacation or anything but I guess as far as the surgery can go, it went as well as it could. nothing unanticipated happened or was discovered. i feel like i have been beaten hard with a baseball bat under my arm, which the doctor said was a very apt description. again, i was told i looked fantastic (i really want to know what i am supposed to look like, because seriously, i've never been told i look fantastic so many times in my life as since i've been sick...hmmmmm) i have two drains in, although am not draining a whole lot, which is good. i was up walking about 2 hours after surgery, although i will admit, i woke up in the recovery room crying in pain. i guess whatever they gave me finally caught up after that and it hasn't been terrible since. so basically, it is a sucky surgery, i don't recommend it, but it is manageable, considering i had all of my lymph nodes removed.
i have to thank all of the friends who have dropped off food, that has been so helpful. and i do have to give a shout out to the nurses at Kaiser Sand Canyon - between my nurses for the c-section and my nurses this week, i have received awesome care and everyone has been so nice which always helps your hospital stay. and finally thank you to the mama's who are feeding my baby...it's working well, at baby's 3 week appt she had gained 1.5 lbs and grown 1.5 inches!
onto more resting and healing and slowly getting my arm back! thank you for all of the good thoughts!!
i have to thank all of the friends who have dropped off food, that has been so helpful. and i do have to give a shout out to the nurses at Kaiser Sand Canyon - between my nurses for the c-section and my nurses this week, i have received awesome care and everyone has been so nice which always helps your hospital stay. and finally thank you to the mama's who are feeding my baby...it's working well, at baby's 3 week appt she had gained 1.5 lbs and grown 1.5 inches!
onto more resting and healing and slowly getting my arm back! thank you for all of the good thoughts!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Pre-op.
Please do not read this post if you are offended by language or my discussing my body parts (i.e. those few male friends/relatives I have reading this who probably don't need to know such things)
I have had to write this post for a while, but desperately not wanted to. Monday I signed a consent form allowing for surgery to perform a modified radical mastectomy and removal of all left axilla lymph nodes. What an ugly ugly statement. What a shitty thing to sign away permission to remove part of your body.
I never thought I was "that girl". I have had a love/hate relationship with my boobs almost since I've had them. I didn't develop early, but when I did, I certainly caught up - I was a D until I had Jack, when I turned into a DD for the past 2.5 years. I'm also petite, I'm barely 5'3", and during my good years, around 120, so carrying that much on top brought attention quite often. I'm not going to say I never used it to my advantage, in fact I know for certain that I got my first job because of my boobs. No, nothing dirty, I was 16 for goodness sakes, but I was informed a few years later by a friend that when I walked into Sam Goody looking for my first job it was not my sparkling wit or non-extensive music knowledge that won me the minimum wage prize - no, it was my rack. However, far more often these things got in the way. Many forms of excersize have long been uncomfortable, and clothes have often not fit correctly. There was an apparatus on the O-course in boot camp that was called, jeez, I can't remember the name, something along the lines of the son of a bitch, something like that. Anyway, it involved mounting a large round log about 4 feet off the ground and then jumping to another one about 3 feet away and a foot or two higher, with your upper body taking the brunt to grab on... I still distinctly remember the feeling of catching a giant log with my chest taking the brunt of it, that was over 12 years ago. Needless to say, I personally could never understand the concept of a boob job - why on God's green earth would people choose to make their chest bigger?? I would choose to be smaller in a heartbeat.
Now I am less than a week out from having a breast removed. I never thought I would be affected like this. I know there are women who have even refused to have a mastecomy and have lost their lives because of it, and that just confounded me - how could you choose to lose your life over something I've spent a good part of my life wishing away? When this whole thing started, the tumors and inflammation were so large and extensive that my breast was almost deformed. It was uncomfortable to wear a bra. I wanted nothing but to have this thing, this thing that had betrayed me and was no longer really a part of me removed as soon as possible. But after the chemos, all inflammation has gone away and the tumors have shrunk so much that I look and feel pretty normal again... it looks and feels like nothing is really wrong, and now I'm pissed off. I'm so angry that I have to have this surgery, and worse than that, I'm embarrassed, and that kills me, because there is nothing to be embarrassed about. But the fact that I won't even get a prosthetic until after I heal is just totally and completely humiliating to me. Why, why should it be? If I was having an arm or leg amputated I wouldn't be embarrassed to have people see me. And that really pisses me off even more, that I feel like that. This all of a sudden really fucking sucks to me. The chemo I could handle, the hair loss, really no big deal to me at all. But this, this really fucking sucks, and the fact that I feel that way makes me even more angry.
I'm 37, I shouldn't have to deal with this now - but neither should most other people. I expected this, this cancer, but I expected it in about 20 years, and much less agressive. I've never asked "why me?" because that's just dumb...good and bad things happen to good and bad people all of the time. I do not believe God made me have cancer or anything like that. Have I maybe asked a few times why other people don't have it instead of me? Perhaps I have, I'm not a saint. I perhaps have asked why my uncle who has been an alcoholic and smoker for the past 40 years and mooched off of my grandparents for the past 8 hasn't developed this. Again, I'm only human. But it's the intensity of the feeling about this surgery that has blindsided me. I don't want to feel so much over this, to give it so much power and thought, it doesn't deserve the time and energy. So many people deal with things that are much larger than this.
I will get through it, I will learn to live with it, but it will always suck, and I am still very much pissed off about this. Hopefully I can come out on the other side using this anger for something positive - I guess only time will tell.
I have had to write this post for a while, but desperately not wanted to. Monday I signed a consent form allowing for surgery to perform a modified radical mastectomy and removal of all left axilla lymph nodes. What an ugly ugly statement. What a shitty thing to sign away permission to remove part of your body.
I never thought I was "that girl". I have had a love/hate relationship with my boobs almost since I've had them. I didn't develop early, but when I did, I certainly caught up - I was a D until I had Jack, when I turned into a DD for the past 2.5 years. I'm also petite, I'm barely 5'3", and during my good years, around 120, so carrying that much on top brought attention quite often. I'm not going to say I never used it to my advantage, in fact I know for certain that I got my first job because of my boobs. No, nothing dirty, I was 16 for goodness sakes, but I was informed a few years later by a friend that when I walked into Sam Goody looking for my first job it was not my sparkling wit or non-extensive music knowledge that won me the minimum wage prize - no, it was my rack. However, far more often these things got in the way. Many forms of excersize have long been uncomfortable, and clothes have often not fit correctly. There was an apparatus on the O-course in boot camp that was called, jeez, I can't remember the name, something along the lines of the son of a bitch, something like that. Anyway, it involved mounting a large round log about 4 feet off the ground and then jumping to another one about 3 feet away and a foot or two higher, with your upper body taking the brunt to grab on... I still distinctly remember the feeling of catching a giant log with my chest taking the brunt of it, that was over 12 years ago. Needless to say, I personally could never understand the concept of a boob job - why on God's green earth would people choose to make their chest bigger?? I would choose to be smaller in a heartbeat.
Now I am less than a week out from having a breast removed. I never thought I would be affected like this. I know there are women who have even refused to have a mastecomy and have lost their lives because of it, and that just confounded me - how could you choose to lose your life over something I've spent a good part of my life wishing away? When this whole thing started, the tumors and inflammation were so large and extensive that my breast was almost deformed. It was uncomfortable to wear a bra. I wanted nothing but to have this thing, this thing that had betrayed me and was no longer really a part of me removed as soon as possible. But after the chemos, all inflammation has gone away and the tumors have shrunk so much that I look and feel pretty normal again... it looks and feels like nothing is really wrong, and now I'm pissed off. I'm so angry that I have to have this surgery, and worse than that, I'm embarrassed, and that kills me, because there is nothing to be embarrassed about. But the fact that I won't even get a prosthetic until after I heal is just totally and completely humiliating to me. Why, why should it be? If I was having an arm or leg amputated I wouldn't be embarrassed to have people see me. And that really pisses me off even more, that I feel like that. This all of a sudden really fucking sucks to me. The chemo I could handle, the hair loss, really no big deal to me at all. But this, this really fucking sucks, and the fact that I feel that way makes me even more angry.
I'm 37, I shouldn't have to deal with this now - but neither should most other people. I expected this, this cancer, but I expected it in about 20 years, and much less agressive. I've never asked "why me?" because that's just dumb...good and bad things happen to good and bad people all of the time. I do not believe God made me have cancer or anything like that. Have I maybe asked a few times why other people don't have it instead of me? Perhaps I have, I'm not a saint. I perhaps have asked why my uncle who has been an alcoholic and smoker for the past 40 years and mooched off of my grandparents for the past 8 hasn't developed this. Again, I'm only human. But it's the intensity of the feeling about this surgery that has blindsided me. I don't want to feel so much over this, to give it so much power and thought, it doesn't deserve the time and energy. So many people deal with things that are much larger than this.
I will get through it, I will learn to live with it, but it will always suck, and I am still very much pissed off about this. Hopefully I can come out on the other side using this anger for something positive - I guess only time will tell.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
time flies....
Wow, sorry, time does fly when you are very pregnant and dealing with cancer and it's the hottest summer ever. This morning there was fog when I woke up....fog! I was so happy! So, delivery is scheduled, surgery is scheduled for Nov. 20th, and then we proceed from there. Surgery is a later than I would have liked it, however, in reality it's only 2 weeks later than I would have liked.
My oncologist is convinced that is fine, and that I'm going to be fine, she is truly convinced. My husband thinks it's fine, that I will have a few more days to heal from the c-section, chill with the baby, etc etc. Me, being the one with this stuff actually in my body, logically knows that I have had a tremendous response to the chemo, especially for a triple-negative, and that my progress is very heartening, and I should "enjoy" it, if that's the right emotion, which it's not. But again, cancer is a big huge mind-f*$# and it really doesn't let you think things like that. So hopefully those days will go by quickly, and I will be in surgery before I have too much time to think about it. Or at the very least I will be deleriously tired from having a newborn and recovering from the c-section and time will pass before I know it that way. So, I guess I just need extra prayers between delivery and surgery that all of this cumulative chemo in me hangs around and things at the very least stay where they are.
Baby girl is totally ready to come out, even early. She's already pushing six pounds, she has a ton of hair apparently, and chemo has been like human growth factor for her, which I very much feel and am totally over being pregnant. Unfortunately I am not one of the those women who are "built" to be pregnant, the ones who enjoy every minute and wish they could keep the baby in them...no, that's not me. I do however, promise that I did not set up this whole cancer thing just to deliver a month early. :)
My oncologist is convinced that is fine, and that I'm going to be fine, she is truly convinced. My husband thinks it's fine, that I will have a few more days to heal from the c-section, chill with the baby, etc etc. Me, being the one with this stuff actually in my body, logically knows that I have had a tremendous response to the chemo, especially for a triple-negative, and that my progress is very heartening, and I should "enjoy" it, if that's the right emotion, which it's not. But again, cancer is a big huge mind-f*$# and it really doesn't let you think things like that. So hopefully those days will go by quickly, and I will be in surgery before I have too much time to think about it. Or at the very least I will be deleriously tired from having a newborn and recovering from the c-section and time will pass before I know it that way. So, I guess I just need extra prayers between delivery and surgery that all of this cumulative chemo in me hangs around and things at the very least stay where they are.
Baby girl is totally ready to come out, even early. She's already pushing six pounds, she has a ton of hair apparently, and chemo has been like human growth factor for her, which I very much feel and am totally over being pregnant. Unfortunately I am not one of the those women who are "built" to be pregnant, the ones who enjoy every minute and wish they could keep the baby in them...no, that's not me. I do however, promise that I did not set up this whole cancer thing just to deliver a month early. :)
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