Some days it's just harder than others to keep the dark thoughts away. 98% of the time, I can control the thoughts, and honestly, with the kids and up until two weeks ago, treatments, I just didn't have time to entertain these thoughts for a prolonged period of time. I've had my bad days, as I've said before, but they are few and far between. Today was one of them. Maybe it was the headache I woke up with that helped it along but today was just a sad day. On top of that, because I am a masochist, I decided that it would be a good idea to catch up on Matt Logelin's blog...really? Because all I did was sit there and sob and see that I could be the one in his wife's place - the one written about, the one remembered, the one who's child needs to ask about her, ask for hints of memories, of voice, of smell, of love, instead of just running up and hugging her. And I know that this could be any of us at any time, I do. It's just a constant struggle of the mind.
I imagine with radiation starting up soon time will fly again and there will be less time for the dark thoughts to enter... but I have heard numerous times that it's the aftermath, the time after treatment, even when you get the all clear...that time is the really hard part. I believe it.
I think I'm going to go work on conjuring my patronus now.