Friday, January 23, 2015


I turn 40 tomorrow. One of those milestone ages that seem about as close as the moon when you are younger. I turn 40...I GET to turn 40.

I turn around and have no idea and every knowledge of how I got here. 40 years of memories, some so clear I can see them as if a movie reel in my head. My life is nowhere near what I imagined it would be at 40, but then, is almost anyone's?

I shed tears tonight...not because I'm turning 40 (I want to shake...throttle the people who bemoan birthdays, who hole up in their rooms and rage against the extra candle) but because I want to turn 41, and 42 and 45 and 55 and 65 and 75. You start to feel greedy asking for years, asking for time that so many give not a second thought to, that most expect.

I still don't know many things. But I do know that even on days when I lose my shit, sometimes on the very days I least deserve it, my smart beautiful son tells me I'm the best mama in the world. I know that every day I watch this little sweet stunning girl who fought inside of me, grow and talk beyond her short years. I know that I am lucky in the spouse department...that I have a husband who never waivered for me, who was as blindsided as I by the past two years yet has never once winced or blinked at the baldness, the scars, the uncertainty. I know that I be a better mama and wife, to really appreciate the fact that my days with them are a gift to me.

I know that this year my word is Brave...I need to be brave, to take chances, to not be afraid of what could or could not happen.

I know that I have lost way too many people - people who didn't get to turn 40. I know that they will never ever be forgotten to me.

I know that I need to give myself grace, to know that I can't humanly ingest every day and moment like I should - that even after all of this crap I'm still human and nowhere near a saint or a poet.

I know that this body with its trail of scars and Frankenstein-assembly that I never could have anticipated or imagined is mine. It still, for the most part, works. I am lucky.

I know that I still do not love this curly hair that I've been left with, with the grey that's been growing since I was 20...but I appreciate it every day.

I know that while I have been unlucky in certain aspects, I have been very lucky with many more.

I know that I will take any candle I am blessed to get. And I want more.