Sunday, April 27, 2014

You keep living.


A facebook "breast" friend of mine posted this the other day - it's from "Call the Midwife" (I watched a few episodes and it was very good but I didn't keep up, do any of you watch it?)...anyway, I have no idea what the context of the quote is but it about absolutely perfectly describes what I've been going through, and probably most anyone who has gone through some traumatic event.
You just keep living until you are alive keep going every day until you don't see that black veil behind you because you are just too busy to even think about it. And then you keep living until you don't see that black veil because you are too happy in this moment to think about anything ominous. And you smile because you realize that you haven't been able to feel and embrace that happiness in a long long time because you were terrified to... because if you let your guard down and think that things may just be okay, that maybe you don't have to worry every single minute of every day, that if you dare to have the audacity to plan ahead, to dream again, to recklessly believe that you are actually okay - that that moment will be the one that invites shit to walk right back in the door. You keep living until one day you don't internalize and personalize every bad story that you hear, and you hear entirely too many of them in this club. You keep living until someone offhandedly saying "Wait until she's a teenager" doesn't make your heart shatter - because you know you will be there to suffer through it and you will cherish every fight coming your way. You keep living until there are more and more minutes and hours strung together in which you actually improbably forget that you have had cancer. You keep living until there is a day when you feel pretty again, when someone looks at you, like they used to, and your first thought is not everything that is wrong and scarred and mangled underneath your clothes but what is still present in your face and your eyes and your smile.
You keep living until one day you realize that you do have permission - you have a right - to feel alive again. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Happy Easter

Wishing you and your family a wonderful, peaceful Easter.
 May you find joy and happiness in whatever you are doing and whomever you are around.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Craigslist encounters...

 Sounds salacious doesn't it? Well, I meant it to because you really wouldn't want to read about my Craigslist rantings otherwise would you?

For the past 6 months (and sporadically the past three years) I have been one of two main people cleaning out my grandparents house. Doesn't sound like a big deal does it? But if you've ever done it, you know. Sixty years of stuff in one house is a LOT of stuff. And if you have ever had dealings with any Depression-era folk, you realize that you have to look through everything because they are so adept at hiding things all over the house that truly, Jimmy Hoffa could still be in the garage (I haven't looked in the rafters yet). You cannot, in any uncertain terms, just toss bags of stuff like you would say, at my house, because there could be important documents hiding within, like car titles, stock certificates, tax documents, cash, Christmas cards from 1968 (not even joking), your grandfather's pay stubs from approximately 1948 through 1983, receipts for oil changes from 1973, etc, etc. Anyway, the process of cleaning out the house and my feelings on it, that's a post for another day. But now that we are almost cleaned out there are a few pieces of larger furniture that we either need to sell or give away and I have been using Craigslist quite a bit for that. Don't get me wrong, I've used Craigslist sporadically before for both buying and selling, but not this much at one time. And it has proven to be a usually fruitful relationship, considering it's free, which is an automatic winner in my world, and considering it's usually very easy. You want it, you come see it, you buy it.
However, apparently that's not how it works for everyone. Apparently there are people out there that choose to flout the rules and make this lovely free platform of buying and selling into a frustrating hell. Therefore, here you go-

1) If you say you are going to show up...SHOW UP!! I realize things happen, but things do not happen to 10 people on the same day. If you say you will meet me at a certain time, especially to pick up a FREE ITEM, then have the courtesy to drag your lazy ass out of your crack den into the bright sunlight, get your coffee, get in your car, and get over here. Though you may not believe it, or mommy may not have taught you this, other people's time is as valuable, if not more so, than your own. If you cannot make it because said car broke down, your bed is just that cozy, you scored a big hit the night before and need to smoke up, have the decency to text/email me to let me know. I have 30 other people that could have come but no, I did the fair thing and offered to the first response. Thanks for being a tool.

2.) If I say pickup time for something is between 8 and noon, do not text me at 11:50 and say I just got in my car and I'm on my way. No. This is L.A. Unless you live on the next block, you won't get there in 10 minutes. Thank you for assuming that all I have to do on a weekend is sit around and wait for your rude entitled millennial ass to waltz on over.

3.) If you are coming to pick something up that is of the large-ish persuasion, and usually have trouble lifting the 5 lb bag of sugar at home, bring help. Do not assume that the person you are picking it up from is capable and/or willing to help you. You could be  picking up from an 80 year old lady, or a paraplegic, or hell, from me. As an aside - people younger than me who are picking things up, for goodness sakes, put down your damn phones and facebook and iPads and lift a weight or two every once in a while. Your general weakness is pathetic. I'm a pushing-40 year old women who has had recent cancer and has an arm I'm not supposed to seriously exert. If you can't carry half of a TV 30 feet...really???

4.) If you are coming to buy furniture - large furniture - don't bring a tiny car. Really. I mean, I just... really.

5.) When you respond to a Craigslist add, do more than what basically amounts to a grunt. Don't just say interested. Okay, that tells me nothing. Be polite enough to say, Is this still available? If so, I would like to come see it, etc, etc. Also, don't just send me a phone number or say call me. No. I'm not here to call you. I don't call anybody. If God had meant for people to be talking to strangers on the phone then He never would have gotten rid of the 90's party lines and invested texts.

See you on Craigslist - anyone need a free couch?


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Constant battle

Source: Pinterest

It has been a bad few weeks on the news front as far as our facebook group of girls and some other people that I have heard about as well. It just saps the heart out of you some days, and your already semi-constant anxiety grows and you have to consciously, almost physically, stop your mind from spinning like a hamster wheel. It's tiring, exhausting actually, but you do it. You contemplate running away, singing while your fingers plug your ears and not looking back but then you remember that you would not want people to run from you if, there but for the grace of God, something should happen.
So you make sure to soak in the sound of the rain that's fallen for the past two nights. And to stand in the ferocious winds that blew today, with your face toward the sun and the sound of hyena-like child giggles in the background, and breathe.