Friday, October 5, 2012

This time was supposed to be my redemption...

I was so excited when I was having my son. I had some trouble getting pregnant, nothing major, just a couple months delay. Then I found out I was having a boy and that was it, that was all I ever wanted, a boy first, I didn't care what came after. I wholeheartedly admit I still was not the pregnant woman who "loved" being pregnant...especially as his eventual 9 lb 4 oz body filled my 5'2" frame, and as he decided he would laugh at his due date, and as I developed a lovely and full-body case of PUPPS the last week. I had all the plans, I would cloth diaper, I would have a natural birth, I would exclusively BF....the best laid plans of course.

And then I hit 41 weeks, and went in to be induced... still was going to do natural, but probably with an epidural. Then Jack's heartrate dropped for a good couple minutes and everyone freaked out and my fate was sealed. I had a c-section. I was in tears going in, I had failed. Having that c-section For someone that really wanted to do something a certain way, and missed out on it...please, if you have a friend or whomever that goes through this, please don't go on with the "as long as you got a healthy baby, it's not the end of the world, you didn't fail, you shouldn't be upset about this." Nobody validated my feelings or let me mourn the process I had missed and it hurt. For a long time. And it was physically painful as well, for quite a while. Cloth diapers were chucked out the window - I was lucky I could manage to lift this almost 10 lb giant high enough to change him. Then on to breast feeding. Well, Jack wanted nothing to do with it from the beginning. We went to LC's, however at 45 bucks a pop, I couldn't afford to visit every time he wouldn't latch at home, which was all the time. Milk came in late, it was all a mess. So I did what I knew I could do and I pumped - for a year, through a period when I had clogs everyday, through a week or two when I would sit crying into a pillow in my bedroom pumping because it hurt so bad. I did it, it was the most and the least I could do.

So this time was supposed to be my redemption. I had a doctor that fully supported an attempted VBAC. I would know the BF pitfalls this time and be ready for them, I would do the cloth diapers because I wouldn't be healing from another c-section. I would redeem all of the guilt that I had over Jack's birth and maybe try to heal a small part of me... one that isn't there all the time anymore but certainly exists. And then week 22 came. And again, every single one of those things were taken away. Again. And it makes me sad, and it hurts. And on top of that, some of the excitement of a new baby has been robbed from me too. My husband doesn't quite get that, and in some way I think holds it against me. But I've had to face a lot of things and thoughts in the past three months, thoughts that no one in this position can imagine, or sympathize with, so I can't blame him. Obviously after all of this I want a healthy baby, with all she has gone through. But I also need to mourn all of the things that have been taken away from me by all of this, by this cancer. That's why it's so difficult to even relate to people who have fought cancer but not while pregnant... there's a whole different set of game rules that apply to the pregnant cancer set. So I can't change anything, all I can do is try to process all of this the best that I can, and come out the other side, and be proud of all that I did accomplish during this time, and try to make peace with it all - again.


  1. Oh Jamie. All that loss. Of your dreams and expectations--from the wish to have a natural birth and breastfeed with Jack, to the cancer mindF@*# in this pregnancy--not to mention what it is doing to your body! Of COURSE you should mourn, it's what every pregnant woman or new mom does when her plans go awry. And yours went way, way, wayyyyy awry, last pregnancy AND this one. And yet, I think you are carrying all of this with such grace. You're a role model for other pregnant women who have, or may get, cancer; you're an example of how to grieve dashed hopes AND fight, how to cry into a pillow AND find humor in the dark corners.

    Hang in there Jamie. Our thoughts and prayers are all around you, like the cooling fog you rejoiced in the other day.

    1. thank you for all of your kind comments julietta :)

  2. Kids born by C-Sec turn out to be pretty awesome... just sayin...

  3. I am so moved, yet broken-hearted at the same time. I'm moved by your honesty and the way you express yourself. I do agree, you need to be able to mourn for all that you have lost. You have that right and I truly believe it's okay to have good AND bad days. You cannot always be strong and being able to realize and admit that, makes you a hero.
    God bless you and your family. If you don't mind, I'd like to share your story on my blog. I believe every mother needs to know your streangth.

  4. So, I hope you didn't/dont mind because I sorta already made a post about you. You can read it here.

  5. I feel your pain mama ((Hugs)). I don't know it, because I haven't been through it, but I can feel it through your words and I hurt for you. I hope one day you find that little peace and learn to be OK with it. You, and everyone else needs to give yourself that space and time to really process it, the suckyness that it is! For what its worth, no matter how you got them out- You made beautiful babies and from what I'm reading here, your one pretty amazing lady.

    Fern xx

  6. Res. O. Nate! Absolutely, this, yes, spot on!

    Different issues around birth,,etc., but the mourning of many losses and the uniqueness of cancer while pregnant? I hear you.

    Forgot to put in my blog in my other comment: