Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Okay, so now what?

The denouement of cancer treatment is decidedly anticlimactic. I mean, I guess that's a good thing for now, in fact, yes, I'll take this outcome right now. But, it's like running a marathon for the first time (not that I would EVER know that feeling) and the finish line is already packed up, the balloons are down, the crowd is gone, and the clock is flashing a blinking 0:00 because it doesn't really care anymore about your finish time. Last radiation treatment is tomorrow, and then..... exactly, and then what? I mean, I see my oncologist in three months, I see my surgeon every six, I'll start talking with a plastic surgeon in a few months, I'll have a scan once every three months or so for a while, but that's about it. TA-DA!!! Talking with some of the girls in my FB group, I said there really should be a cancer treatment debriefing, like when you return from a deployment. I'm not going to compare it to coming back from war, it's just you are in the midst of all of this chaos for months and months and all of a sudden, you're not, and it's disconcerting - this trying to get to your "new normal" (another term I loathe, I don't know why, it just rubs me the wrong way).

So we will plan some small trips in the next few months - I have not been on a plane in, my goodness, two years, and that is just bizarre to me - and I will try to find work again and feel like a contributing member of this family, I will start planning a first birthday party, I will try to bear the onslaught of summer (my least favorite season), and I will try without success to push this to the back of my mind and get on with the business of living.


  1. Oh, I hear you! Done two weeks ago Friday and I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to be handling this, what to do with the suddenly relatively clear calendar. I want to ask everyone I know who has come through, how did you pick up and move on? How did you not put conditions on the "the cancer's gone" celebration and declarations? Are the markers the momentous occasions or just the daily ordinary? How to ever feel safe again? I hear you.

    1. Ah Emily, I guess we just keep on swimming? :)