2013

I think this picture kind of sums up this year. I cannot believe that much of the first six months of this year I was still in active treatment, chemo and radiation. Events that filled almost every day, that my daily life revolved around, that consumed so many minutes to give me so much more time - dates, times, actions, results, appointments - now seem so far away. While this nasty nasty beast still unfortunately inhabits a too-large place in my mind, it has been evicted from the front room. Now it resides in more of a hall closet. It will eventually move to the backyard and then the next block, town, county, state and country, maybe eventually planet, but for now, this is progress.

 

My baby potty trained, started expounding in paragraphs of conversation, and started preschool this year - my baby baby started walking, running and semi-talking.

 

The next year I am certain will bring greater joys, accomplishments, opportunities. My husband and I, after the past two years, are more intent than ever on setting some serious and much anticipated changes in motion. Life waits for no one. The holidays will be here again in the blink of an eye and we will gather again, eyes sparkling in the bevy of twinkling lights, to celebrate and look back in awe of all that 2014 has provided. 

It's still in OUR hands...

 

It's only December 5th, but I have already heard from many people the annual bah humbugging, the Bill Murray Scrooged (one of my most favorite movies ever btw), the boo on Christmas, the "I hate Christmas because it's ... commercial, fake, Christ-centered, not-Christ-centered-enough, overly happy, depressing, encroaches on Thanksgiving, sparkly, not sparkly enough, " etc., etc., etc.

 

I myself have had, in years past, Christmas seasons where I wasn't exactly tilting my wassail cup with joy so I can't begrudge anyone their feelings, but times change and circumstances change and there's not anything that I wouldn't give out of heart, soul and pocket to be here for the next 20 Christmases with my children. So color me overly romantic about the holiday, and I will gladly concur with my donning of red and green-glitter colored glasses. But one thing that sticks in my craw about some of the complaints is this fact - we are still in charge of our households, and to a certain degree, what enters them. So while complaints about decorations going up before Thanksgiving (personally I LIKE going to the mall and seeing lights all over the place - just seeing them makes an unrestrained smile break out on my face. I unabashedly love twinkle lights, I think they should be used in more household decor) may be justifiable to some, the argument of "Christmas is so commercialized therefore I hate it" doesn't hold water for me...in fact I see it as a blatant cop-out.

 I get that I can't control what Jack hears at school or what he learns from his classmates about gifts and what to ask Santa for at Christmas. But I CAN control what enters my home and how I choose to have my family interact with it. Believe me, I get that Jack is three and the baby is 1 - but that's my point - this is the time for my husband and I to try to instill in them what we believe Christmas to be about, and on a larger scale, what we want our family to be about. I'm not making a judgment here - if a family wants to focus on gift giving at Christmas, more power and the Toys R Us catalog to them. But if you are just going to toss your hands up in the air and say "Oh well, Christmas is screwed because it's all commercialized anyway" then I have to call bullshit on that. I say that's teaching your kids that when you don't like something, when you don't agree with how things are run, then you just sit back and complain about it. When did we all cede control of one of our greatest gifts - our family - to some vague corporate overtaking?  It takes some work, but doesn't all of this crazy parenting fiasco we are entrusted with?  Sit down with your kids and a nativity scene and explain it to them, read books, sing carols, visit people, do some of the 8,000 things you have pinned, establish gift giving rules from early on and be firm - this is your family, not your parents, your in-laws, aunts, uncles or cousins. Let's pull up our big girl holly-covered panties whether it's with an overflowing-make-no-excuses-huge-pile-of-presents or whether it's with a tote bag-full but let's own our choices. Our families are still our responsibility, no one else's, and that includes how we choose to celebrate or not.

To those who comment on my Christmas posts...

Christmas 2012

To those who have commented on my admittedly prolific liking of Christmas pages and talking about Christmas songs and basically my overall overexcitability about Christmas this year...with no malice in my heart and the best of meanings...stuff it.

I don't comment when people post 45 political posts in a day, or share 18 ramblings about how they hate Christmas. I don't comment about people and their 52 pinterest ecard posts about wine. Yet for some reason people feel compelled to comment on my sharing of what I feel is joyful...yes, it may be early - yes, I truly realize it is not Thanksgiving yet, but you know what? I effectively missed the holidays last year. I was there, but I wasn't there...I wasn't able to fully participate. I saw my kids, but didn't get to fully experience Jack's 2 year old wonder at the lights and Santa and stocking and elves. I had my two month old, but I was so busy taking care of her, and recovering from two surgeries, and going through chemo that I didn't get to soak in my baby girl's first Christmas. I didn't get to decorate, I didn't get to sing carols at church, I didn't get to feel Christmas. I didn't get the luxury of Bah Humbugging it because I was praying too hard to make it to this Christmas.

So forgive me for my giddiness, for my wanting to share the fact that I am happily and unabashedly overcelebrating the holidays this year. Forgive me my liking of many many Christmas posts, of snow and trees and wreaths and candles. Forgive me my inability to throw away any precious holiday that I am given with my children. I don't begrudge you your existence in the benign and blissful obliviousness that total health brings. I used to live there myself, but I have moved...and at my new address, you will find me overcelebrating most anything I can.

Day 14 - A life lesson and Day 15 - Charity

These are getting a bit more difficult. A life lesson. Well, I think I will go with the obvious here and talk about how this dumb, stupid cancer, which I STILL WILL NEVER EVER SAY I WAS HAPPY TO GET, has made me slow down and relax a bit, and for those that know me, that's saying a lot. I do let many many things go that I wouldn't have before, and I try very hard to remain present in each day although I'm only human. It's a work in progress.

 

I'm not quite sure what they mean by charity, if they mean were you thankful to receive charity, are you thankful for a specific charity. Unclear. But the Christmas season is upon us, and that means Angel Trees, which I do every year. I grew up relatively poor.  I was from a single parent household, did not grow up in a nice place...but one thing my mom always did, for as long as I can remember, was take an angel or two at Christmas and we would get gifts for them. I would look forward to picking an angel every year at the Fox Hills Mall...the program stopped there as I recall in the early 90s, and by then you pretty much stayed away from that mall if you didn't want to get shot while picking your jeans out at Express. I would find various programs over the years, and was involved in Toys for Tots, but then when I moved to Huntington Beach when I met my husband, my first Christmas there I discovered my church had an angel tree program and I was so excited! I still do it every year (my church gives you an angel ornament when you drop off the gifts - I have not missed one for the past 12 or 13 years and last year when I couldn't make it, I begged my friend to take my gifts for me because I needed my ornament!) and I love that they include seniors also. People forget how lonely some seniors can be, and that maybe a package of socks and a sweatshirt is so appreciated. I can't wait until the kids begin to understand what we are doing when we do this, it truly excited me to pass this tradition on to them.