Day 5 - Friends

I don't have many close friends - I never have. I think it's just part of my introverted personality - I never liked to go out and socialize in addition to various and sundry other reasons, so I never developed the mass amount of friends that some people have.

When this all came down, I was fully prepared to go through it like I have almost everything else in my life - primarily by myself. I don't expect much from most people because I find when I do I'm most often disappointed, so I certainly didn't expect anything just because I was sick. Some people certainly held up the "don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed when it happens" credo, but some people, who had absolutely no obligation at all to help me out, did more than most. My husband's co-workers (who were my co-workers too almost 13 years ago) went above and beyond - they provided us with meals, they sent cards and flowers, gifts - for me and for the baby. They dealt with my husband all day when I'm sure he wasn't exactly a peach dealing with all of this. They are the ones who put together the Komen walk for me. They truly did this out of the goodness of their hearts, and they will always embody the true meaning of friendship to me. 

Day 3 - A person who lifts you up...

I am going to take slight liberty with this and talk about people who did something to lift me up when I really needed it and did not know it...

 

 

Last year before baby girl was born some friends offered to throw me a baby shower which I absolutely did not want...it's hard to explain but I'm not one for parties anyway where I am the center of attention. Couple that with the fact that I had been receiving help from people for a few months - something with was a struggle enough to do - and I was 9 months pregnant and bald and still angry. But I finally relented, because I knew even if I didn't want this, the baby deserved it. So my wonderful friends Laurie and Wendy threw together an awesome fall shower (I left them with not much notice, poor things) and my cousin Nicole picked for me the most awesome shower cake ever made. For all of that, for knowing what I needed when I absolutely did not want it, I was truly thankful. 

20 years...

I'm not quite sure how it's possible that I have my 20 year high school reunion this weekend. Granted, I may not feel like high school was just yesterday...in fact, most of it I have blocked out I believe...but I do feel like I just went to college yesterday so for me to realize that was 20 years ago this month that I started college is MIND BOGGLING.

I am excited to see whomever shows up. I went to a pretty small Catholic girls high school, so our reunion will consist of a luncheon - that I didn't have to plan! Yay! Because funny enough, as much as I despised high school (and not for the fact that it was all girls or Catholic or anything like that, just for the plain old fact that I would have hated high school anywhere) I ended up planning our 10 year reunion. Still not sure how that happened. While I hated high school with a passion, I didn't hate the girls I went to school with. I can't say that I had many super close friends, but I was friends with a lot of the girls. I tended to float amongst the circles I think. Plus, there were quite a few of us who had been in school together since first grade so whether we hung out every day or not, we still knew quite a bit about each other. Anyway, out of a pretty small graduating class of I believe 105, give or take a few girls, we have had some bad luck bestowed upon us. I know I'm one of at least 5 girls who have had or are actively fighting cancer, and we have all had different types, not one the same as far as I know.

We lost our sophomore biology teacher, Susan Todd Hurst, to breast cancer right after our ten year reunion and I believe she was our age or a few years younger than us when she passed. We were her first class when she started teaching and I was happy she was able to come to our reunion, as sick as she was. She had two young boys when she passed, and I've thought of her quite often over the past few years.

We are also missing two girls from our class. One I had gone to school with since first grade. Monica Ruiz. She had the longest hair ever, and she lived down the street from the girl who I was best friends with for quite some time in grammar school, so while we weren't close friends, she would invite us over in the summer to use her pool and hang out. I have to say even though I went to school with Monica for 12 years I don't know very much about her. As I said, we weren't close friends but we certainly were not enemies - we just didn't hang anywhere near the same circles. A few years back, of few of the kids I went to school since first grade with found out that she had committed suicide - she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia shortly after high school graduation and just didn't see an end to the misery according to a website post her husband had written. Really quite a sad situation and I'm sorry she had to go through that.

Our other lost friend is Dr. Naomi Fukushima. Naomi was a kick, she was a tiny, petite little thing who was quiet until she let a zinger go and then it was on. She was spunky. And smart. We had quite a few classes together over the years and I would think considered each other friends, at least school friends. She was at our reunion, had been married very shortly before that I believe. Then about a year later was diagnosed with an extremely rare pulmonary sarcoma, which I believe was so rare there was something like less than 200 diagnosed cases of it. She fought and fought and fought, but from what other friends have said, she was a doctor, her dad was a doctor, and she knew. Our reunion was in fall of 2003, by May of 2005 she died. Again, cancer, you beyond suck.

So I want them to know that they are not forgotten, and will be remembered when we get together this weekend, and they will be toasted. And I hope to God they are looking down, intervening with someone, saying you have enough of us for a while, you don't need any more of the Class of '93 anytime soon.

A crafty post...

So we made it through Jack's birthday party relatively unscathed... only a few fights and tears...introverts should really not ever throw parties. But anyway... we had a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse birthday because little man loooooves mickey mouse clubhouse. First thing he asks for when he wakes up.

A big thank you to friends and family who helped out!

Here are the ears I made, very tediously with a crappy glue gun, but they came out half way decent I must say. Click here for the tutorial I used...

Update: Thought I should comment about the fondant. I made it the day before so did not refrigerate it. I did however refrigerate my cake since it had whipped cream filling in the center. The cold cake caused the fondant to sweat by the time cake was to be cut, as you can see in the last picture. I'm sure if the cake was room temp, it would have looked perfectly perfect.

Minnie's and Mickey's

A close up of the non-sleeping beauty wearing her ears

I always make his cake.. here is this years, a conglomeration of pinterest ideas...



Used this recipe for marshmallow fondant - pretty easy!

My cake, my ears and myself ....

Just some other party details...


I would normally never do this but being super-tired and burnt this year, I couldn't face the prospect of entertaining three year olds...enter Mr. Mouse.

Jack getting his face painted by Mr. Mouse (don't step on Disney's copywrite!)

Balloon making

I think he had a great birthday

Shut the F Up!

Leave it to Angelina to stir up controversy. Apparently everyone is an expert about cancer now...especially people who have never had it. This post stemmed in part from yesterday's post, and my stupid stupid obsession with reading the comments section on articles, and comments some of my facebook cancer friends are receiving. I should NOT read the comments! EVER!! Anyway, it's been brewing for a while, and after chatting with some of my facebook cancer friends, it just needs to come out. If you are offended by language, change the channel.


1) If you feel the words, "Oh, lucky you, you'll get new boobs" coming out of your mouth...shut the fuck up, just seriously, bite your tongue off if you have to, drink some cholula, occupy yourself by going to get a tongue piercing, I don't care, just don't say it. If you want to type or text it, sit on your hands, learn sign language, break your thumbs, do something else with them right quick please.

Sure, most of us will go through some sort of reconstruction at some point. After we've been mutilated with a giant horizontal scar, after we have lost anything resembling a breast, after our underarms are misshapen if we have had lymph nodes removed, after we have lost feeling in multiple places. Then you get to choose from procedures involving the insertion of an expander behind your pectoral muscle that is slowly filled to stretch your already delicate skin, worse if you've been through radiation, or you get skin and tissue taken from your back to rebuild a breast, or from your abdomen. You can take visions of Pam Anderson right out of your head because what you are left with, if you are lucky, is serviceable, and if you are really lucky its close to symmetric. This is not a visit to Dr. 90210. Additionally, I'm sure 100% of us would gladly trade this opportunity for new boobs to, umm, maybe not have to have a life-threatening disease that could recur at any time...you think, maybe, hmmmmm??? "Thank God I got cancer, I can have that boob job I've always wanted" said NO ONE EVER.

2) Unless you have cancer, or maybe possibly your spouse or child has had cancer... please don't offer any "knowledge" that you have about how I got it, how I can cure it, what I should or should not be doing, what you heard from your friend's cousin's hairdresser, or how your high school teacher found the cure in the Amazon and is only sharing it with certain people. Please don't offer what you think are mortality rates ("oh, most people die from that right?"). Almost just as bad, please don't say, "Oh, everyone lives from that these days, no problem, no biggie!" Please don't tell me that not eating sugar will keep all the cancer away, that I should have been doing juice cleanses since I was 12, that hemp oil will cure me, that chemo kills people, the mammograms cause cancer, or that I could have prevented it by following these five simple steps. Shut the fuck up.

3) If you know someone going through cancer treatments, don't tell them that they put on weight/lost weight/look tired. Believe me, we very well know if we are gaining weight, usually from chemo and steroids and any number of medications we may be taking. We may not be able to keep up a robust exercise routine right at the moment. Also, believe me, people know if they are losing weight and that could be because they can't keep any food down, are stressed beyond belief and have no appetite, or they may not be doing very well. Either way, you don't need to point it out, that I can assure you. Don't you dare tell someone they look tired. If you haven't had chemo, surgery, radiation, and in my case, an infant at the same time, then don't even open your mouth. Cook them some food, clean their house, tell them they are beautiful, bring some flowers, but otherwise, shut the fuck up.

4) Please do not reprimand the person about keeping up a positive attitude, that a positive attitude will cure them. Believe me, I honestly have had a pretty damn good attitude during this entire mess, but some days are just sad, gloomy days. There aren't many, but when they hit, they hit hard, and you know what? I am perfectly entitled to have them! I bet you have bad days and you don't have cancer! I know sometimes it's just because you are scared for the person, and when they are sad, it scares you more, but this is their time, not yours. It's your time to be the strong one. If you can't, shut the fuck up.

5) Cancer has made me many things - blind and deaf are not some of them. Poor eyesight has made me almost blind, but you know what? Glasses have pretty much fixed that, and I can see you staring and I can hear you "whispering". If you see someone with a bandana on, don't stare. Go up and say Bless you, or I'm rooting for you, or I'm sorry you are going through this, please stay strong..say almost anything, but don't stare and don't whisper. I still and will always remember the man who came up to me and bought me lunch when I was so heavily pregnant and bald in my bandana - not because he bought me lunch but because he was the only one during my entire bald pregnancy that came up to me and said something. He said I don't know what you are going through but good luck to you, you will get through it. Not the most eloquent thing in the world, but something I will always always remember. So basically if you can't say something, don't whisper in front of my face - shut the fuck up.

This is not even half of it, but it's a good start for me...thank you to all of my friends and family who have not done these things...you don't know how much it is appreciated...

How...

 

This is what I woke up to this morning. Late last night, we heard what I thought was someone dropping something heavy into the back of a pickup truck. What happened was a guy on the next street, who had many mental issues and was very much the oddball in the neighborhood - think a suburban unabomber - blew himself up (not known whether intentionally or accidentally) and left other unexploded pipe bombs around his house. All of my neighbors across the street were evacuated last night and police, fire, hazmat, FBI, and news trucks covered our neighborhood all day long. A police car was parked directly in front of my house, blocking the street, for the better part of today.

 

 

 

Then, after the kids went down for their nap, and right after our neighborhood drama had started to subside, I started seeing facebook posts about the Boston Marathon. Literally 15 minutes after I saw my brother post pictures of the marathon as he and his family sat watching on part of the course, I saw posts about the bombings. And watched the news with a growing sickening feeling all afternoon long. It was a horror movie on a loop.  

 

 

When women are pregnant, they are often asked 'How can you bring a child into this world, with all of this hate, madness, destruction, war, etc. etc?' It is a legitimate question I think, one that I have posited to myself on occasion. And occasions like today certainly validate the question, and give me pause.

 

 

 I obviously do not regret having my kids, but how do I protect them from things like this? And I have to realize, I don't, and I don't want to. I don't want a hair on their heads to ever be touched, but this crap, this madness - it's a part of this world. They will know it exists, but they will also know that abounding goodness exists, that some people are evil, but most people are amazing. I want them to know that while events like these will make their heart hurt, their heart will hurt from wonderful things also, from having too much love and pride and joy to hold. I want them to learn that while their eyes will see ugliness that they didn't know existed, their eyes will also make them gasp at a dazzlingly white snow covered forest, or an ocean that falls off the end of the earth, or the sky right after a rainstorm, or the first red leaf of fall, or their first look at their children.

 

 

I can bring kids into this world because within three hours after this horrific event, there were over 700 people offering rooms, sofas, futons, food, water, car rides, whatever, to strangers in need. I can bring kids into this world because there will always, always, be more people running towards chaos to help then people running away. I can bring kids into this world because runners ran right through the finish line and on toward the hospital to give blood. I can bring kids into this world because even before little girl was born, there were mamas lining up to feed her, to help people they didn't know. I can bring kids into this world because now I know, after this past year, that there is so much blinding beauty to behold, that there is more love than hate, that there is magic.

Happy New Year!

2012 - Words that worked their way into my personal lexicon this year -

biopsy
infiltrating ductal carcinoma
stage 3
triple negative
axillary lymph node dissection
chemotherapy - AC and taxol
radiation
mastectomy
BRCA
donor milk
my daughter

Words I knew before but had to relearn-
friends
family
neighbors
help
kindness
prayer
visualization
acceptance
accepting
support
relax
breathe


On this last day of the year I throw up a prayer and wish for all of us, that this coming year is full of possibilities, victories, adventures, joys, love, and health. Let's put a close to 2012.

Thankful.

This is a struggle for me to write. Not because I am not thankful for things, but because not only has my body been broken, my spirit has honestly suffered a few cracks. I am trying to recover not only in body but in soul too.  So I think it behooves me to find what I am thankful for to bring a bit of light into the darkness.

This year has sucked. I will never be one to say "I'm so happy I got cancer, it changed my life!" Honestly I think I could have learned the lessons another way. But I did receive a wonderful blessing in this little bundle of perfectness, even though I do think about selling her at three in the morning. We are blessed that she was healthy and strong and big and seems to have suffered no ill effects from mama's illness.

 

 

 

 

 

This little boy is my heart and soul. I am beyond belief that I get to be his mother and watch him grow into a little man. 

 

 

 

 

 

I am thankful for the man sitting beside him, that has stuck by his broken and battered wife, celebrating when I am strong and trying to put the pieces back together when I break.

 

I am thankful for my mom, who has put her worries into cooking good food for me. I am thankful for my in-laws who have come out here during my surgeries to help with whatever I needed and more. I am so thankful to friends and family who have come over here to help in many different ways, who have taken time to just ask how I am, who have sent up prayers and good intentions. I am thankful for my doctors who have followed me so closely since this started, who cheer for me. I am thankful to the cyber community, who came together to help me feed my child.

 

I very much realize that there has been light in darkness, joy in despair, goodness in a pit of cruelty. I send up a wish for next Thanksgiving, a wish for a lighter heart, a wish for less worries, a wish for good health. I wish that for all of you as well.