I got to see a lot of my cousins yesterday and that made me so happy - to laugh and be loud and sarcastic and pick on each other like only people who have known you your whole lives can . I saw one cousin I haven't seen in 6 years, as he lives in Switzerland - it was like he has never been gone, and others I haven't seen in a few months. I met some new lovely poeple. Everyone is obviously very concerned about me and will think of me tomorrow during surgery, but it really just brings home the fact (and I don't mean this to sound as depressing as it's going to) that as much as I have support around me, I am going through this alone. Please don't misunderstand, I am so grateful for the help that friends and family have provided and the thoughts and prayers that others have sent and shared, and it has been so helpful, especially with two small kids. But ultimately, no one else has this cancer in them. No one else can go into the operating room for me tomorrow or give up a body part for me. No one can have the thoughts I do, no one else can be scared shitless for themselves. It's all me - I am the only one who can go through this and get through this. It's a lonely scary feeling that no one can assuage - I truly wish they could. I know what it's like to love somebody so much that you wish you could take their sickness on yourself - now I also know what it's like to be the sick person and know that no matter how anyone else feels, it's only me in the boat.